The Big Bucks

Accountability + Profitability = Epicness..

Lately I’ve been thinking, “The phrase ‘mixed-race feelings’ is kind of funny.” Another thing I’ve been thinking is: What would happen if I just didn’t send out a newsletter one week?

Would the world stop spinning? Would life as we know it cease to exist? Would horrible things befall those closest to me? No. So I don’t see why I keep caring about sending this—oh, yes. Now I remember why. Because of our sniveling fuckass little fans.

I can just picture it now: “Oh, Nabeel, did you forget this week?” “Nabeel—where is our little slop?” “Nabeel, please! I am slavishly devoted to you, and only you—not Ritam. I only read this every other week! I can’t make it through my lunch break every other Friday without poring over your expert tomes.” Shut up…

Ultimately, though, if I’m having these dark, perverted thoughts about missing my own deadlines…it means we can maybe build some accountability into this whole operation.

And since no one has bit on our paid tier subscriptions yet—despite my making it as clear and easy as possible as to how to do so—we are, once again, doing the most radical thing Substack has ever seen.

We’re partnering with Substack to deliver the first ever ad-supported newsletter. No one else has done this nor wants to do this, especially on a platform that is trying to think of a better business model for writing. But I want banner ads, expandables, interstitials—I want it all. I want this thing to look awful.

Thanks to the team at Substack for letting us go through with this crazy, bonkers idea when no one else would. We worked together hand-in-hand to make sure this would be the most seamless, fucked-up experience possible for our readers—to give back to all of you who have supported us for so long.

Right now, there’s no one holding my feet to the fire. But imagine if a GroupM associate was breathing down my neck every Friday because BlueChew needed those click-through rates within the first 5 hours of publication? Goddamn! I’d be sweating my ass off trying to think of something to write about each week. Bro—I might even schedule things out in advance, something that’s unheard of around these parts.

I’ve decided that my posts, every other week, will be sponsored by one brand for the next year. They will get category exclusivity, at least until I find another sponsor that will outbid whatever chump goes first. This means Ritam will see none of the profits. I don’t want to share a single dime with him—hopefully this won’t cause a rift in our easy, unobtrusive partnership over these past four years. Substack is also taking a huge cut off the top (95%, tried to negotiate but they said I’m a “puny bitch with no leverage” ???), so if Ritam wants any of the cheddar I’m about to pull in, he can do his own thing. I’m not helping him out there. This is my idea, dude.

Another cool gift I’m giving you all—Substack and I have worked together to whittle everyone down to five options for ‘Nabeel Week’ LLA Exclusive Sponsors below, and it’s up to you to vote on who you want. Whose ads you’d want riddling this shit like bullets. They will take up every square inch of white space available on this page. When you open this site on a mobile client, it’ll be basically unreadable. So make sure you vote for one you like looking at. If it looks like shit, it’s your fault then. It’s not mine. It’s yours. Because you guys are voting on it.

Substack promised me that it would look like trying to open a Variety link on Twitter

Option 1: Syracuse University’s MFA Program

I guess this just kind of makes sense, in like a brand synergy way. I scratch their back, they scratch mine. It’s not like I need to do much more than I already do. Every other week, this newsletter is the most honest example of the creative rigor and lofty standards the Syracuse MFA Program sets for its students. Would be cool if I can squeeze some more cash out of them.

Option 2: This local business called ‘DTS Truck Service’

A common, almost twice-weekly occurrence for me is this: I finish up a movie at Regal Destiny USA, usually something that fucking sucks, thanks to my Regal Unlimited Membership, and as I drive back home down I-81, I get a glimpse of my favorite business sign. I then spend a good 30 seconds turning over the phrase ‘infinite recursion.’ Finally, the other day, I was on a local road and thus able to take a picture of this insane sign.

What the fuck does DTS stand for?

The eternal question. The sign—ostensibly an acrostic—posits that the ‘D’ stands for ‘DTS.’ But if ‘DTS’ stands for ‘DTS Trucking Service,’ then…you get where this is going, etc. It’s impossible to know where it ends. I think they’d be a great, intellectually challenging sponsor for my weekly missives. We will never get clarity on this.

Option 3: Regal Cinemas

One of the great ‘Third Spaces’…..

Of course they’d be in the running. I have a standing weekly call with their CEO. He says to me, get this, he says:

“Nabeel—we’ve never had a customer use their Unlimited Membership as much as you have. It’s almost pathetic.”

And I says to him: “Mr. Regal, don’t sweat it. If you want to raise the prices, I don’t care. I’ll gladly do it. I’ll be seated, no matter what. Feed me the damn movies.”

And he says to his buddy, turns to him and says: “Can you believe this fucking mark? We’re wringing him dry.”

And we laaaaauugh and laugh and laugh.

Option 4: La Familia Michoacana

Nabeel’s Serious Voice: an incredible piece about avocado farming in Michoacán

I’ll be honest: I just don’t want to get on the cartel’s bad side. They were in the news recently for the avocado stuff. I’m a fan of avocados. And whatever they get up to, you know, let’s just—let’s live and let live. Just please don’t hurt me. And let’s keep the flow of avocados unimpeded. How about that, Joe?

Option 5: ‘Good Hangouts’ or whatever it’s fucking called now 🙄

To be frank, I don’t really fw these two. But they have more subscribers than we do, unfairly, simply by way of being “diligent about sharing stuff online” and “ internet discourse-literate” and “accessible in any way.” It’s fucked up. Here at Low Lift Ask, we strive to be as inaccessible and useless as possible. That’s our promise of authenticity.

But associating with their whole shtick could be good for us. So if they want to pay for ad space, I’ll gladly take their blood money. This could turn into one of those things down the line where people get mad at me for taking sponsorship money from an immoral, wholly corrupt organization and then I have to release a statement that we’ve ended our partnership and I apologize, etc. But for now, this is an option. (This could be how I get my foot in the door to becoming one of those Substack culture writers that do awkward live events now to work out whatever dreams they once had of becoming a comedian. That’s a whole cottage industry now.)

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Vote below! Whoever wins, it’s on your shoulders. I will personally email them to pitch getting in on the ground floor as ‘Nabeel Week’ LLA Exclusive Sponsors. Remember—whatever happens from here on out is your fault. Not mine.

Ritam’s Footnote

University of Michoacan. Lake Michoacan. Michoacan State. The upper peninsula of Michoacan. Are you getting it?