Resolutions
Our Promise to you
The clock hath rung its fateful chime
The days are out to play
The winding road of Father Time
Hath brought ‘round New Years Day
-Ancient Dravidian Chant
Now that it’s over, we can admit it: 2024 was busted as hell for us. Between B*rnie, my ex-wife, the tenant from hell, and general chumpfuckery, that was a cromulent fuckcrustable of a year. But this year, we vow to be different. In fact, our resolution is this:
In 2025, Low Lift Ask will become one of the top humor newsletters on Substack.
Taking a close look at the top newsletters and their descriptions. Yeah, okay—I think we can give you all of these in one handy newsletter!!!
Garrison Keillor’s Substack
Observational Humor
Y’all ever be around Halloweentime walking and you’re feeling the leaves crunch beneath your feet? But then one time there’s a sickening crunch of bone instead? Now that’s Halloween!
Gratitude
From the bottom of my heart: Thank You.
Small Doses of Advice
Here is my advice to you: read Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry. I just finished it; it swaddles you in its exciting, beautiful, dangerous world and creates such a deep connection with the characters that it physically hurts to let them go. Haven’t had an experience like that with a book in years; maybe even a decade.
Memories of Heroic Persons I Knew
One time I went fly fishing with Gilgamesh. He caught a huge fish and immediately began biting it. I said to him, “Don’t you want to descale, clean, and cook the damn thing?” And he says back to me, “I don’t even know what this scary monster is! I’m biting it out of fear.” And that’s when I realized the depth of his trauma post-Enkidu. A sobering reminder.
Reminiscence about Ordinary Life back before Twitter
Fourth grade. Learning about the Iroquois Confederacy. Very interesting stuff from Hiawatha and co.
Cartoons Hate Her’s Substack
Social Dynamics
Y’all ever stepped on a sickeningly crunching bone on Halloween, and you’re walking with your bestie?
Online Culture
Seem to be part of this one already. Don’t see much need to expound further.
Bess Kalb’s Substack
Skipping the Bess Kalb Substack
She’s the third cousin of a guy from our college improv group. Can’t be skewering so close to home.
Jeff Maurer’s Substack
Comedy, Politics, and Swearing in Pretty Much Equal Amounts
Seinfeld. Obama. Fuck. Seinfeld. Obama. Fuck. Seinfeld. Obama. Fuck. (steve jobs voice) Are you getting it?1
And Now Something About The “Duffel Blog,” Which Upon Looking At It Seems To Be Some Kind of Military Humor Newsletter
Hm. Lots of inside baseball here; it’s probably funny to people in the military. Maybe here I’ll just put a character I’ve been doing a bunch in the past couple weeks—so you have to imagine me doing the voice while you read it. It’s called “Joker the Veteran.”
Nabeel’s Footnote
Real me vibes on this one. Love seeing Ritam put his own spin on a well-worn genre. He even did his own version of the Memoji sticker. We’re burrowing deeper into our own psyches now, gang!
Second newsletter in a row referencing this. Whatever.
Y’all tried Genmoji yet?