Punching Down

Sigh....sigh AF!!

Not to make this all about me, but I guess I’m no longer a part of the permanent underclass. I guess I can no longer use basic identity politics as a limp pretense for being perpetually trampled over by the ruling elite. Muslim guy is Mayor now. This fucking sucks for me.

From now on, I guess, all of our little jokes will be punching down. We no longer have plausible cover to be a little mean with it—now it’s all originating from a place of entrenched power. The call is coming from inside Gracie Mansion, my friends. Fuck this!! FUck!!!!!!

Now that I’ve lost this perch from which to launch my various witticisms, stinging bits of social satire, and gimlet-eyed summaries of the state of the world, I don’t know where to take this dumbass newsletter. Who the fuck cares anymore. Our man is operating the levers in City Hall, and pretty soon everyone will be drinking..freaking…..DUBAI CHOCOLATE LATTES!!! I imagine! And like..EATING WITH THEIR HANDS..! OR something. And even—possibly, like, ……..SLAUGHTERING ANIMALS IN ACCORDANCE WITH ZABIHA STRICTURES, USING A SHARP INSTRUMENT TO MAKE A SWIFT INCISION IN THE THROAT, KILLING EACH ONE INDIVIDUALLY, ALL WHILE SAYING BISMILLAH, SO THAT THE ANIMAL PASSES QUICKLY AND IS RESPECTED AND WE DO NOT TAKE OUR FOOD IN SIN AND GLUTTONY!!!!!! Is what I imagine it’ll all be like now.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to let go of my final few ideas. Satire is only relevant from a place of low status; otherwise, it’s just bullying. So as of January 1, if I did anything like the below on Low Lift Ask, it would be considered bullying white people. That’s what it’s going to be like now. I swear. It’s so sad.

White people be like..!

This whole genre of thing is over now. As Stephen Miller and that guy Randy Fine have made clear, Islamo-Marxist-Jihadis now run our global centers of financial capital. This means you can’t do a “white people be like” anymore. And I had so many in the back pocket. I had so many “white people be likes” ready to rock.

• “My dog!” (Dogs will be illegal now)

• “It’s too spicy! And it be mayo 😂”—tried and true classic. Put this one back in the cupboard, boys. Maybe one day we can dust it off and admire it like an old relic.

• “Here is guidance and stewardship for your craft—I believe in you and trust that you can create something worthwhile.” Have had a few white mentors in my day. Some white people be like this lowkey.

• “I like to tear the bread up with my hands, so the croutons have all these irregular, craggly bits that crisp up!” White people on YouTube love saying this.

• “Winds out of the northeast, clear skies…” White pilots be like, “The wind” or whatever when you’re about to land. It’s like—who gives a shit about the wind? Is anyone even asking about the wind? White people!!!

  

  Bro’s face when he sees that we have slight winds out of the northeast

Separating laundry into whites and colors

I had a whole newsletter draft ready to go about this: imagine the most tortured, overwrought joke about how separating your laundry into whites and colors (which, apparently, stopped being a thing for Gen Z..?) is RACIST 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂!! Imagine dude—imagine I get that cooking and it builds to an impressive crescendo…

Well, we can’t do that anymore. All laundromats (government-run) will restrict segregation of whites and colors in Mamdani’s New York—AND ALSO THE CLOTHES !!!! 😂 😂

I Can’t Tell The Difference!

Had a whole thing on deck about lists of actors I always get mixed up.

• Liv Tyler / Evangeline Lilly

• Jason Clarke / Joel Edgerton

• Taron Egerton / Jack O’Connell

• Pom Klementieff / Dichen Lachman

• Rufus Sewell / Rupert Friend

• Lee Pace / Luke Evans

• Jimmy Smits / Lou Diamond Phillips / Benjamin Bratt (problematic)

• Bennett Miller / JC Chandor

• Matthews: Goode, Rhys, Macfadyen

Don’t think I can do this kind of thing anymore, now that an Indian Muslim guy who loves going to Abuqir with his Arab girlfriend is in a position of immense power. Ughhhhhhh

Roasting Ritam for being Hindu

One thing I always like to dip into when I can is this: cooking Ritam’s crusty ass for being Hindu, as well as my closest childhood family friends, because being Indian and Muslim is still a little exotic and you don’t have as many of us assuming positions of power at defense contractor software companies, because of 9/11 and stuff, thereby perpetuating—if ever so slightly—an assumed rift between Indian Muslims and Indian Hindus that the fascists in India exploit for political gain.

I was going to keep doing this until this mf decided to be mayor. Now I have to come to terms with different power dynamics. Fuck this!!

Ritam’s Footnote

Don’t you live in Syracuse bro?