The Mamdani Regime: How to Act Right

Well, would you look at that? It’s a new dawn for Indian Muslim Guys With Arab (Levantine) Partners. This city is ours, my friends. We did it. I should’ve run for fucking mayor, I guess.

In the wake of our J. Crew Ludlow-clad boy pulling it off, though, I am becoming quite concerned about an alarming rise in philo-Arab/Muslimism. We must do all we can to protect our communities; the tide is swelling, and it is on all of us to stop friendly whites from getting a bit too carried away with the sauce.

Rule #1: Give Me Credit

I did it first. I literally did. I was way before this mf. I don’t know what else to say.

Rule #2: Let’s All Take A Big, Deep Breath—And Step Back From Throwing Around “Inshallah/Mashallah” For A Sec

I know, I know—it’s so thrilling! A new toy to play with! But sometimes—we get a little overexcited, don’t we? Sometimes, we don’t really know what the fuck we’re doing and we’re just throwing around words we don’t actually know how to use.

I would say everyone just take a breather on the whole thing for a bit. Management has decided to let you off with a warning and just chalk it up to a post-election hangover.

Rule #3: Convert

When I was growing up, we had the privilege of Suhaib Webb khutbahs once a month, I think. Interesting homie. But what he taught me, more than anything, is that white boys with a little Muslim swag are a fascinating species.

That’s what this whole Low Lift Ask, “Zohran Mamdani” thing has been leading to—just take the plunge, team! Why not? Convert convert convert!

Imagine this: an army of 60,000 volunteers, all Muslim, marching down every door in New York City in perfect lockstep, with that music from the Revenge of the Sith Order 66 scene, asking if you’d like to elect a Twelver Shi’a as your new spiritual leader. Let’s fucking go!!!! Don’t be scared!! It’s just natural!!!!!

What unchecked Muslim immigration does to a city…….

Rule #4: Ask Not What Your Potential Muslim Mayor Can Do For You, But What You Can Do For Me (Nabeel)

I’m moving to a new place in a month and would love some housewarming gifts, a few mood boards for decoration inspo, maybe even a nice sofa you’re trying to offload. Even better if you want to drive it up to Syracuse.

Whiffed on this one

I’m just throwing stuff out there. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide how you’d like to show patronage. So anything works.

Rule #5: Let Me Know If It’s Chill If I Make My Middle Name Something A Little Spicy Like ‘Kwame’

I could pull it off. Just wanted to poll the room and see what the temperature is on that. I’d maybe try for something Latin, though. Just let me know!

Ritam’s Footnote

Could go classic. Nabeel Rose Chollampat. Nabeel Grace Chollampat. Nabeel Anne Chollampat.

Hmm, this newsletter was good, except for the part where Nabeel implored everyone to convert to Islam, thereby committing “marriage jihad” and ending our beautiful civilization. I ask you all instead to consider a tryst with Hinduism—you’ll learn to be corny, horny, and surprisingly evil!