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Panic at the UFO
A Classified Transcript
The following transcript has recently been declassified by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Sensitive info has been redacted.
June 14, 2022
Report author: Agent Chet Luchirenko
Following is a transcript of a conversation with a group of American citizens who claim to have seen an unidentified flying object over the town of Annden, North Carolina at 2:13 AM on June 14, 2022.
Agent: Could everyone introduce themselves?
Carrie: I’m Carrie. I’m 45 years old, no-nonsense, unmarried, and I voted for Donald Trump.
Jeshua: I’m Jeshua. I’m 67 years old, I’ve been driving big rigs for about 40 years. Nobody and no one can tell me what to do, and I voted for Donald Trump.
Agent: You don’t have to tell me who you voted for.
Donald Trump: Hello, I’m Donald. I’m 75 years old. I’ve had a number of different jobs through the years. I voted for Donald Trump.
Lydia: I’m Lydia. I’m 17 years old. I hate school and I hate my parents. I love my boyfriend Roy and I love the punk music scene, especially The Beatles. I voted for Hillary Clinton, illegally.
Roy: Thanks, babe. You’re my fucking world, babe. I want to hold your hand. For those of you who don’t get that, it’s an inside joke referencing our favorite punk band, The Beatles.
Agent: Carrie, can you start by describing the circumstances around which you saw the UFO?
Carrie: Well, I had just gone to the midnight premiere screening of Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank. You know, that Michael Cera movie where he plays a dog.
Agent: Why that film? Do you have kids?
Carrie: I was curious. The Legend of Hank? Who’s Hank? They got me right suckered in with that subtitle.
Agent: What did you think of the movie?
Carrie: Well, I thought it was ███████████ a ██ triumph… ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ cera acts with █████████████████████████████████████ grace and [charm] █████████████████ an all around ███████████████ animated ████████████ treat ██████████ fun for the whole family!
Agent: And do you think you could say that without the redaction?
Carrie: Well, I thought it was a movie about a dog, like triumph… you know the insult comic dog? Yep. So it was fine. My husband has been cheating on me for about 3 years now so he went off to bang his mistress while I was stuck worrying with an upset stomach. I can’t predict how my viscera acts with exposure to circumstances like that. I had to take myself home after the movie and put on an episode of grace and frankie just to calm down. I had this crazy dream where I got to fan all around this reclining egyptian pharaoh, like I was his servant or something. I was fanning so much, I got so animated. When my husband got home, I decided to take him on a retreat to our favorite chinese place, where we got mai fun for the whole family!
Agent: I see. And it was on the way home that you saw the UFO.
Carrie: Yes, it was horrible. Disgusting.
Jeshua: It made me sick too.
Lydia: I have never seen anything as repulsive as this.
Agent: Do you think you could describe the UFO?
Lydia: It was grotesque. Very bright.
Carrie: It followed me everywhere.
Roy: It symbolized femininity to me… cycles of nature and the acceptance of constant change or something.
Lydia: Babe! That is so gross!
Donald Trump: I have never seen anything as gross as this, and I’ve seen the ass hole of Rosie O’Donnell!
[pause for 15-20 minutes of heaving laughter]
Agent: All jokes aside, what you’re saying to me sounds very troubling. I’m a pretty low level FBI agent, but I think it might be time for me to call in a few favors and get this thing nuked out of the sky.
Donald Trump: Godspeed, young buck!
Agent: If you all stay here, I’ll see what I can do in this moment.
Christopher Wray: Hello, this is FBI Director Christopher Wray. You better make this quick, I’m on vacation in sunny Tromsø right now.
Agent: Sir, I need authorization to nuke the moon.
Christopher Wray: The moon?
Agent: Yes—it seems as if a number of local citizens have spotted it and been scared that it’s a UFO. I think it’s time to get rid of this moon problem once and for all.
Christopher Wray: I like the way you think, Agent Luchirenko. A couple more nukings like this and you might be up for a full time job.
Jeshua: This isn’t your full time job?
Agent: I’m an intern. I’m finishing my senior year at Bowdoin after this.
Christopher Wray: Gentlemen, let’s nuke the moon.
The rest, as you may know, is history. The moon nuked, Biden swept to re-election time and time again by an ecstatic citizenry. Even today, if you look up at the sky, you can see the remnants of the moon, floating there, as if to look down on the Earth and smile and say “you done good, kid, you done good.”
Looks like they’re ending Succession this year. Kind of crazy. Good thing we have Industry. Speaking of Project A119—should I watch For All Mankind?
And…wait…holy shit…there’s a Substack chat feature. Should we start one for all our subscribers?