Instructions for an Epic Ramadan

Caution: Contents may be HOT!!

Yeah…it’s Ramadan.

And that’s on periodt.

This month, we’re lighting up with the homies to celebrate the divine revelation of the Qur’an to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), abstaining from food and drink while the sun is out, and, oh, yeah, just generally kicking ass?

And you better believe we’re party rocking. Sorry about it.

Here a step-by-step guide to having the most bitchin Ramadan ever. If you’ve never been Muslim before, well—here’s your one content warning. Once you read this, you may never want to be anything else.

Step 1: Deny yourself all material pleasures.

When it’s Ramadan, get ready, because one thing you can always count on if you’re Muslims is going through life denying yourself pleasure at every turn. All of the cheap, low-hanging fruits of this earthly plane will pale in comparison to the spoils promised in heaven, so don’t even sweat the small stuff, champ. Don’t think about food or how good it is and water and how it can quench your thirst, or any other thing that might make you feel good. The first step to having an insane fucking sick ahh Ramadan is to curb every impulse you have toward joy.

Step 2: Go Ahead and Eat Something In The Morning To Make Sure You Have Energy For the Day

You know that 30-minute window right before the sun rises, the famous hours when we’re all awake and hungry and thirsty? Yeah…I do, too.

If you want to have a successful fast for the day, make sure your ass is up at 5 a.m. tearing it up in the kitchen while you’re groggy as fuck, forcing yourself to chug a banana date shake with almond milk and three glasses of water. And dude? However tight that sounds on paper, you don’t even know how awesome it feels doing it in the moment. I haven’t even said the best part: you get to do it 30 days in a row.

Yeah…I’m thinking some things feel better than nutting.

Step 3: Go Back to Sleep, Wake Up, Lock In, And Then Spend the Next Few Hours Feeling Fucking Awful

You gotta do this—CONFIRMED. Especially if you want to have a bangin’ Ramadan, one for the ages.

You have to make sure that in the hours between nine and noon, when a lot of things are normally required of the average person, whether that be errands or work or general life upkeep, you feel like absolute doo-doo cheeks because you’re denying yourself caffeine and you just woke up and your stomach feels like ass.

(Whatever you do during these hours will be compromised in quality, attention, and care. Just note that down.)

Have I even said the words “punk rock”? Have I even said that?

Step 4: Don’t Forget to Not Eat Lunch

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: something that’s so fucking awesome about being Muslim is that for one month out of 12 months in a year, you just don’t eat lunch. Lunch, one of the most homely, vile meals you could imagine, with its myriad possibilities, like glistening, hearty deli sub with crunchy chips on the side, perfectly sloppy burger and fries at a diner, comforting bowl beef pho, or spicy, toum-slicked shawarma Kabab Guys Erie Boulevard—all of it is so fucking gross to imagine. Ew!!!

While every other chump in the world is eating lunch, think of all the other things you could get done during this hour: having unreal sex; jacking off: growing your business using Western systems of financial interest. Make sure you don’t do these things either, though, because generally they are not chill within Islam.

Step 5: When The Sun Goes Down, Eat Too Much Too Quickly—Your Stomach Will Get Full Hella Fast Because It Shrinks Due to Disuse, And Then You Won’t Feel Like Doing Anything For the Rest of the Night

The opps want you to think that you’re unavailable during this month. That you might not be that fun to be around, potentially cranky and unpleasant. As if the world and all its attendant social interactions revolve around meals or coffee shared between friends.

Um, yeah—after sunset?

Anything goes.

Go ahead—invite me to dinner. Let’s make plans afterward. Feel free to include me in stuff once it’s past 8 p.m. Do me a favor and just go ahead and count me in.

I will say I am likely to bail because I’m tired and worn out from the day, and please don’t call me on the phone, because the last thing I want to do is talk, honestly.

Step 6: Do it all again tomorrow. Repeat for 30 days. Then repeat next year, for life.

Don’t think I need to add much more. If you’re not convinced by now, I guess you’ll never want to be Muslim—your loss, big dawg.

Ritam’s Footnote

I lived with Nabeel for four years. While the experience overall was transcendentally fun, I grew to dread two things: the hour before sunset during Ramadan and a Golden State Warriors loss. You’d think that each iftar would have been joyous and exciting, satisfying the day’s hunger, but in fact, something was sapped from my normally high-energy friend, leaving him a wan, hollow shell of himself, limply shoveling some kind of coconut chicken thing into his mouth with his hands, the despair of the following day’s low energy feeling like an inescapable burden. I am proud of you for doing this thing though, it’s cool that you do it man.

Happy Holi to all my fellow Hindus in the chat—hope you guys are abusing caste privilege to the max today :)