Imagine this: my damn ass is consuming products left and right when I see that a lot of products are named after Guys now. But none of these Guys are represented by brand ambassadors. And here’s where my brain goes—what if they were? What if these products that are just Guy names have corresponding Guys to do photoshoots and Sydney Sweeney-jeans type ads?
Nah because I just got fucking chills. 👀👀
[Disclaimer: just threw in the Sydney Sweeney thing cause Substack’s entire recent funding round seems to be built on that type of stuff. People just coming here to talk about Sydney Sweeney’s jeans. Or Sabrina Carpenter in a leash. So if someone is on the Substack and using their pristine search function, and they decide to search “Sydney Sweeney jeans,” they might find themselves on a couple of hooligans’ little ‘stack. Just one of the ways we’re always thinking about growth here.]
DAVID
Another thing it seems like people on Substack won’t shut the fuck up about: “David protein.” Who cares man. It’s a protein bar.
That being said, I’ve settled on the two perfect Davids to represent David:
Classic Mamet vs. Hogg matchup. Mamet might win out by sheer force of will, but Hogg needs no further explanation. The last name alone—I mean.
JOSH
People loved this meme a couple years ago. I think it’s still pretty funny. It’s a funny name to just put on a bottle of wine.
But who best to represent this storied beverage? It would be too easy, low-hanging fruit to posit this as a duel to the death between Gad and Groban. We all know who comes out on top there. That’s why I’ve done the work of thinking a little bit more and finding two other Joshes to duke it out:
This one is kind of a Battle of the Vices. Josh Gordon is an unbelievably talented athlete who just loves weed too much, and Josh Duggar is—I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong—a convicted sex offender. Who would make a better brand ambassador for Josh?
JUSTIN
Another wine with a dude’s name on it. Some classic options here: Theroux, Long, Quayle (the main character, a British diplomat in Kenya, in The Constant Gardener). But I want to expand your minds. Imagine if one of these two Justins were brand ambassadors for what is clearly a bit of a classier joint than Josh:
Two “martyrs” here, if you ask me. Let me tell you about a guy who needs to write a First Apology—BALDONI!!!!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
JAMES
Imagine my surprise when Percival Everett, venerated novelist getting his late-in-life due, puts out a novel called James. I’m immediately thinking of my buddy James from middle school, whose entire nuclear family has names that start with J (Jeff, Jeanette, Jeff 2, etc.). I’m also pushing past the obvious choice here, which is, I guess, the titular James, the escaped slave Jim from Huck Finn. What about these guys as brand ambassadors for the novel James by Percival Everett:
You all know James “Jem” Coughlin from The Town—the hot-tempered, quick-trigger spark plug who represents Dougie’s complicated loyalty to the Charlestown Gang… And technically, Buffalo Bill’s real name is “Jame” Gumb. But if Doubleday, the publisher of James, decided to push some kind of marketing campaign in which Buffalo Bill had a twin or something, and they were both named Jame, so that there are two James and they were both really pushing the book as brand ambassadors, then we could get away with James.
Ritam’s Footnote
Stanley
Need my favorite Stanleys stat: Tucci, Kubrick, From The Office, , Flat, etc.