I need you to listen to me very carefully. We don’t have much time. I’m encoding crucial information in the form of a Black Friday Deals Roundup email so that it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.
Nadaam Cashmere Enriched Uranium Sweater
This delicious deal is 60% off! Model not included. Oh, and if you have any EU (wink wink), please send it my way!
iRobot Roomba j7+ Enriched Uranium
Yum! This tasty delight is up to 58% off today at select participating retailers. Oh, and by the way, about that Enriched U or whatever—if you see that, just send it to me, but no worries if not.
Spin-N-Jump-N-riched-Uranium
Scrumptious! Look at her go! This jump rope is equally at home on the playground or on the field. Oh, and it comes with two speciality handles meant for the holding. This 99% off deal is one you won’t want to miss. Hey—and have you seen any of the enriched… ugh, never mind.
Look, I can see that playing coy with you isn’t going to work, so I’ll be frank. Let me step out of the shadows.
Hi. My name is Shoopy Sleemorgan, and I’d like to come clean as the world’s foremost collector of enriched uranium and enriched uranium paraphernalia. I understand that this may be difficult to understand, so let me tell you my life story so that you understand where I’m coming from.
I was born to an average family in Sugar Land, TX—we had a yearly income of $132,534, and were 38.1% white, 7.1% black, and 38.4% Asian. All in all, I had a happy childhood with one small blip—my entire family fell into a vat of enriched uranium and were never heard from again.
I went to college (at Columbia), medical school (at Columbia), TriStar Motion Picture Group (at Columbia), and classes on how to stand like a pillar (at Be a Column). After that, it was onto a successful career at large corporations such as Jenplo, Frignor, Cheemworth, and Heeblesoopoo. But eventually, I developed a fascination with enriched uranium and its associated paraphernalia. I’ve never been quite sure why, but since then, I’ve practically been hoarding the stuff!
But Shoopy, you say, surely storing that much enriched uranium is unsafe. To which I say…
Nabeel’s Footnote
Black Friday deals are so sick…wish I could be a part of one some day…