We Should Combine Everything
Into one thing
They should combine all the movies into one big movie. That would be sick as fuck.
Anyone who saw Spider-Man: No Way Home last weekend knows what I’m talking about. My Spider-Man Heads know what I’m saying. Yo, Spidey-Peeps! You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down? Hell ya, fam—you all get it! You know what the fuck is up! Spidey Gang All DAY!!!!
I don’t think you can top this movie. Once you’ve seen this movie, you realize that all other movies are weak as hell. There’s nothing you can do to beat this movie. Because look at what they can do now: they can make all the movies into one movie now.
Think about this, for sometime in the future. If you’re writing a movie and you get stuck—doesn’t even have to be a movie, could be a TV show or book of graphic novel—all you have to do is make the funny kid put on a magic ring and open up a portal to previous IP. Then you can bring in anything from other movies that you want, provided that the competing studios and producers have negotiated profit-sharing deals on the backend! Then you can make your characters play with each other and no one thinks you ran out of any ideas in the first place. You can just pick up your action figures and smash them together like when you were little baby boy on racecar carpet in room.
They should do this for every movie. Just have a kid with a cool ring. And something else they could do is create a more direct line from the fans to the producers, because the coolest thing now is how much say we the fans have in the movies! We can dictate what they do! The movies are our benevolent God, and we have Him bent at the knee submitting to our every whim! They should have a hashtag run across the bottom of the movie like ticker tape—maybe something like, “#PortalChoice, brought to you by the all-new Kia Sorrento.” So that way when you’re in the theater, if you want to see, like, Lieutenant Vincent Hanna in Drive My Car cause it’s hour two and you’re getting bored, you can just pull out your phone and tweet “#PortalChoice Vincent Hanna (Al Pacino).” Then the funny Filipino character would jump into the searing drama, look directly at the audience, and go, “Hey Portal Fam—did someone say…Portal Choice? POR-TAL CHOICE! POR-TAL CHOICE!” And then everyone in the theater starts chanting. Normally, if it’s some kid’s birthday or it’s Make-A-Wish, they would honor that kid’s choice and shout him out on the screen, but for the sake of this exercise, your tweet was accepted first. So then the wacky Filipino kid brings a digitally remastered version of Al Pacino into the movie through the portal. This happens every 45 seconds in the movie, because people keep tweeting for new characters.
Another thing they could do is, like, let’s say you’re beefing with the ol’ ball and chain about what to get for dinner after the movie (fellas…you know what’s up!). So then what they could do in the movie is any time someone is about to sit down to eat in Pedro Almodóvar’s Parallel Mothers, they pause the screen and pull up a menu, and if you have the Roku Remote app on your phone, you can scroll through the offerings (brand partnership with Resy) and pick what food you want them to eat. That way, if you want to get burgers after instead of your girlfriend’s nasty, sicko, barfalicious choice of poké (this food is not cooked, in case you didn’t know), you can have Penelope Cruz chow down on a beefy juicy burger, and that will subtly influence the missus into wanting to eat big hunk red meat. Thanks Resy!
After that, another thing they could do for the movies to make them better is basically make all the faces on the screen blank avatars. That way, when you walk into the theater, your face gets scanned in via Palantir facial recognition hardware and eventually you will be plopped into one of the character slots in the movie. You won’t know which one! They won’t tell you which character you get! That’s part of the fun of going to the movies! But let’s just say…the early bird gets the worm! Meaning, like, if you wanted to be Batman instead of Robert Pattinson, all you’d have to do is get there super early (maybe camp out a week or two in advance?), and then there’s a high chance that the movie features your face on Robert Pattinson’s body, so that when you beat the shit out of people, it looks like you. Highly recommend if you are bringing a first date who is not attracted to you!
One more thing they could do which would be fun is give everyone their own VR headset at the movies, and through these, the audience can give real-time answers if they like where the movie is going. After every line of dialogue, a prompt pops up asking you, “Did you like this?” and you answer yes or no. Leaving a comment for “Why?” is optional. Then, the movie model is trained to learn from that answer, so that what happens next in your VR headset is different from everyone else’s. That way, you never end up with a movie that doesn’t satisfy your base desires. This would be a pretty good tool for when Disney casts someone of a race I don’t agree with, and I would rather that person be white—in my headset, I can leave a comment, and they will correct that in real-time. This could probably be sponsored by Scale.ai if we need more brands.
And then I think the logical next step would just be that they make the movies 24/7. We don’t have to do anything else, and we could just sit in theater all the time. Since we are constantly choosing what will show up next on screen, we don’t have to make any other choices in life. I think this will be super cool, and a lot of people will like it.
Anyway, these are just my two cents. “We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” — RIP Joan Didion!
Ritam’s Footnote
Sitting on the edge of my seat at the theater, excited to see what the IP lawyers at Disney and Sony were able to hash out this time.
I read the Reddit comments after watching this movie and all of them said shit like “When they told Andrew he was amazing it was a reference to how he didn’t get to complete his trilogy and they were reassuring him.”
Do people think Spider-Man is a real guy with real feelings? He is not real… He is one of the fakest men alive…
Merry Christmas, and a big honkin’ RIP to Joan Didion, I guess.