We Are Going To Become Profitable

Some news!

“Dylan Going Electric”…never knew what this phrase meant until today 🙏

Hey y’all!

I’ve got some exciting news to share with you all. But before I do, I just want to say how grateful I am for this community. Honestly, I can’t even tell you how fun it’s been doing this newsletter—week after week, sitting down to outline and write and edit and revise and rewrite all of our perfect opinions to become immortalized online, fielding countless comments and questions from our adoring supporters about our process and respective world philosophies, even turning down requests to appear on panels at the 92nd Street Y and the Vienna Opera House and other various events. It all became so rote and mundane, but I still never wavered in my enthusiasm.

But we’ve begun to feel like this endeavor needs a little extra juice. All this work we’ve been doing for you all—the hours of research, the days of work we take off just so we can write a Low Lift Ask post, hour-long Zoom arguments we get into over simple words and punctuation 😂—it’s all been unpaid. And while we are so so so gracious to have you all here, supporting our work and championing it to the masses, we’ve decided to take this thing nuclear.

We are moving to a paid-only subscription, beginning next week! This has been a difficult decision, but not one we take lightly. Below, I’ll list out the various tiers we’ll offer, but I’ll offer this upfront: if you can afford to pay, please consider gifting a subscription to those in need; if you can’t, get the fuck out of my sight. Some of you will be kicked off the subscription list automatically—not because I don’t think you can pay, but because your vibes are so sus and I honestly just don’t want to be in constant communication with you anymore.

Tier 1: Baby Bitch, A.K.A The Bare Minimum

$250/month + travel expenses paid for either me or Ritam (you choose [choose wisely])

If you’re going to do this one, legit just delete my number from your phone. I guess it’s nice that you’re trying, but if you’re going to pay us, pay us the full fucking amount. Good lord.

Here’s what you get in the Baby Bitch tier: access to all posts, and nothing more. Not an email correspondence, not a fav on your tweet. Not even a glance when I see you out somewhere. Don’t even think about it.

Tier 2: The Paying Customer, A.K.A. Doing Your Part, I Guess

$500/week + travel expenses paid for both me and Ritam + expensive cooking ingredients, like ones you can’t readily find in most major supermarkets, paid for for both me and Ritam

I would respect this one a bit more. It’s not like it’s my favorite or anything, but I wouldn’t be that upset if you chose this.

Although, now that I’m thinking about, it’s like—why? Why not just choose one of the ones after this, and curry more favor with me and Ritam? If you wanted to be tight with us like that, just do the fucking most???

Here’s what you get in The Paying Customer tier: access to all posts, and maybe once in a while, I’ll send you a link to a good short story or Ritam will respond to your insta story with “lmaooo.” That’s it, really.

Tier 3: The Consolation Prize, A.K.A. You’re Alright, I Guess

$2,500/day + travel expenses paid for both me and Ritam + expensive cooking ingredients, like ones you can’t readily find in most major supermarkets, paid for for both me and Ritam + actively recruiting and sourcing other people to write this dumb shit every week + buying me clothes immediately when I send you a link because sometimes I get an email about a drop, I miss the window, and it’s sold out, so actually don’t do that, for real, or I’ll be pissed

Again, in the interest of total transparency, I do respect choosing this one. I do. But it’s almost like…if you’re going to go this far, go this hard for us—and truly, like, we really do see and appreciate all the love and blessings you all have given us, no cap, mad respect—just go all the fucking way, dude.

One time I gave money to someone, and then immediately wished I gave even more money to them, because I saw through my own blindspots and could then fw the vision. If there’s someone you think is dope as fuck, just give them a ton of money, honestly. It’s so sick for us dope as fuck people to just get handouts from uncreative, visionless suckers like you.

Here’s what you get in The Consolation Prize tier: access to all posts, and I genuinely will respect you, dawg. Like not as much as I would if you went brazy and signed up for the next one down, but definitely you would garner my hard-won respect. Ritam would probably be nice to you and stuff if he ran into you and the Park Slope Food Co-op.

Tier 4: HIMOTHY, A.K.A. Brown Boy Magic

Rent + food for both me and Ritam each month + $150k/year + Cigna PPO or HMO plan + Dental + Vision + 401k Match + sometimes, when I’m in a bind and need some free scratch, I’ll text you and you hit me with the quick Zelle within 10 minutes or less + buying me a piece of property in a distressed area, but one which might be on the come-up due to climate migration, so that I can have passive income when all this MFA shit blows over + same thing for Ritam but probably less important, you have to do it for me no matter what but optional for him

You would an mf legend if you did this. You would be pinned to the top in my iMessages app, and any time I go to a DJ set or brand activation or sick-ass pop-up, you might be the seventh or eighth person I text. I could also invite you over to my house in California sometimes to enjoy some of my mom’s cooking, like fried mackerels or paper-crisp dosas. She makes bangin’ food, man.

Also, if you paid for this tier, I think my freaking faith in humanity would be = restored after that. It’s hard to feel good about the world right now…it’s like, what are we supposed to do in the face of all this in justice, just sit inside and watch Never Have I Ever? Cause that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m so fucking sad…about the world and its various ills. But if you paid for this tier, I might be down to fw the world again, ngl.

Here’s what you get in the HIMOTHY tier: access to all posts.

THANK YOU!!!!

Thanks again for subscribing to this for so long, team. It’s been such a triumph, and I genuinely cherish these Fridays when we get to commune with our dick-riding legion of absolute chumps. If you can’t afford any of the above, don’t bother, unless it’s need-based, at which point I’ll maybe look into, like, one of those New York State public arts grants or something. God. You guys are so fucking needy.

Ritam’s Footnote

Tier 0: Free