Updates On Our Widening Rift

With respect to Low Lift Ask, Ritam is becoming kind of a Hoe Bitch Ass

QUICK PLUG FOR THE HOMIES: Beloved homie Avery Friedman has just released her new single, “Photo Booth.” It bangs. We love it. Despite the fact that we’re friends and she seemingly subscribes to every newsletter but ours

It’s honestly fine !!! We straight up don’t care lol ,!

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If you’ve noticed a lowkey sad timbre in my voice these days, you’re picking up on something real. I am not doing well. I am down bad.

This is straight up me rn:

In this context, I, unfortunately, am Jayson Tatum—and Ritam is Ausar Thompson!

And here’s why: Ritam has been running laps around my ass. It’s no secret that I don’t put in any effort into this. I have no problem with everyone knowing that. In fact, I thought that was part of my rakish charm on this here URL. What undermines this dynamic, though, is when Ritam decides he wants to turn it on for the fans.

In the past couple of months, this mf has made a conscious decision to step on my turf— “short fiction”— and absolutely big-dick me. It’s unconscionable. He’s even securing interviews for “us” (obviously just to put his own name out there…) to promote our stupid thing on prestigious, legacy media publications (Cramer’s Comedy Newsletter) for wider exposure (it’s paywalled). He just wants more hot people to subscribe, clearly 🙄🙄🙄—mans is currently putting up Steph numbers like Dua Lipa’s sitting courtside.

To add insult to injury, the collective response, across the wider Low Lift Ask universe, has been to piss in my damn face. And that’s not even something I like, or get off to in a sexual manner……….

And if you were thinking, “Goddamn Nabeel—your so-called friends really hate you. They think of you beneath a dog, something to be stepped on and subjected to vile mockery. All of this is giving me the famous ‘Ick.’ I cannae imagine a bigger L that you would hold?” If you were thinking that? Well, you’re wrong.

I’ve hosted this man on my pull-out couch multiple times

It won’t surprise you all to know that Ritam’s head has swelled to an insane size these days, simply because of this positive feedback loop. He had to get a new bike helmet. He looks like damn Megamind. He also kicked me out of our apartment (this was 3 years ago, but still) and has been subjecting me to a never-ending stream of nasty invectives— dunce, cad, gollumpus, fuckface, and the like. Just the other day, he texted me this photo, with the caption, “Guess who’s who in this pic? (It refers to our comparative talent, and which of us people will remember when we both die!)”

In this image, Ritam has implied that he is George Michael—and that makes me, of course, Andrew Ridgeley

It’s unclear now if the newsletter will continue past this week. I don’t know how I can keep living like this. Ritam is a bully—he will not stop until I cede control of the entire enterprise to his uncontrollable avarice. (Lately, too, he’s been saying stuff like, “Philosophically, I’m not opposed to the idea of making the government more efficient—is that such a bad thing?”) This conflict has had a devastating, tangible impact on both my mental and sexual health—I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice to say, I’m not the lion I once was in the bedroom.

There’s only one way out of this, other than my putting in just a little bit of effort and trying to think of interesting things to write: we must launch a coordinated, Weinstein-era PR push against “Ritam” “Mehta.” I’m talking Brutalist-AI-controversy, Anora-intimacy-coordinator, Karla Sofia Gascón-type stuff. I guess the last one was self-inflicted, but hey? If someone wants to doctor up obscenely offensive tweets about Muslims and attribute them to Ritam’s Twitter from 2015? Consider me unaware 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I have begun lifting immense weights to train for outright war. If need be, I will step up to the plate and whoop Ritam’s ass, give him the two-piece, send him back to the British Raj. My goal for 2025 is to convert at least 200 “Ritam Subscribers” into “Nabeel Subscribers.” He’s probably shouldering well over half the load on subscribers these days (my friends don’t care about me and would love to see me befall a horrible fate, like suffering the Cruciatus curse). But I will convert them. We need the numbers. We need a complete and total cultural victory on the Nabeel side. The pendulum needs to swing back from “Child-Like Goofiness” to “Crass and Uninspiring Cynicism and Solipsism.” It begins today.

Ritam’s Footnote

Have you considered, that the simple power, of the humble sentence, and a powerful story, is enough to change the world?