Two Paths For The Substack

Critic Brain - UNCORKED!!!!!!

Aug 16, 2024

The other day I’m ordering Chinese food and I’m in a hurry and I’m like damn, dude, I got so much work to do and it’s late and I haven’t eaten but I guess I’ll just order delivery cause I don’t have time to go and pick it up and look what I end up with:

Check the metadata on that one, if you want. I swear it’s from Sunday night. Now Friday’s come around and the bill’s come due: none of you have recognized me for my hard work. Not even Ritam has done so—he hasn’t even, say, written me a letter giving me props for all the dope-ass shit that I do and continue to do in service of this crazy world. Just another week where I have to do everything around here…

People on Substack are talking about this thing. Does anyone care? It’s like, yeah, bro—the internet has devalued writing and made it easier for people to write the same stuff. WE BEEN KNEW!!!!!!!! I don’t really give a shit what other Substacks are doing 😂😂😂 y’all be easy 😂

Fortunately, here at Low Lift Ask, we have defied respectability, popularity, and any kind of success at every turn. If that makes us renegade truth-sayers, then so be it. We are determined—and I know Ritam is too, have you seen the crap he’s putting out lately? 😂—to not do anything this lady is saying in her piece about how people are monetizing their lives and becoming popular on Substack. Let’s see how we’re doing.

Nope—not us. We are peddling dogshit. And you all love eating it up.

I’ve actually never had a “random thought” so I don’t know what she’s going on about. Every thought I’ve ever had is considered, exact, and trimmed of any fat. Each firing synapse is a precision strike; I do not fuck around with “whimsy.” In the words of The Lonely Island, I swear my mind blows my mind.

We also don’t do lists (don’t fact-check) and, yeah, sure, one of our guest posts called “Some Of What I’ve Been Doing” is the second-most viewed thing we’ve ever published, but guess what? We disavow it now. We didn’t even write it.

It’s honestly funny—we had nothing to do with this. So stop.

Cool group chat…in my group chats, we’re chatting about Industry and responding to pics of the boys with, “facts.”

I actually don’t think we’ve ever influenced anyone to purchase anything. (If anyone actually took those recommendations seriously, LMAO!!! 😂😂 We were kidding or something, it was a huge prank). If anything, our lifestyles are so uninteresting and gross and slovenly as to be negatively polarizing. Once again, we have outsmarted Emily Sundberg.

Dude…it’s like, do I even have to say anything here? We’ve never come close to anything you could even remotely consider traffic-bait. Who is this even for?

I actually think this is kind of problematic…she’s saying she can’t tell us apart. Yeah, two Indian guys with the same haircut and same general lifestyle creep who lived in the same apartment. I guess everyone seems the same to you…?