There Should Be A New Food Eating Way

New ways just dropped

I was reading the latest dispatch from that newsletter Sifted (no free ads) and came across this disturbing line:

Let me just get out ahead of this now, before it’s too late: it’s not. As someone who has been trained in the delicate art of eating with his hands since birth, there is nothing less “hot.” It is not “sexy” or “chic” or “hot girl shit” to slop up a big mound of wet rice into your gaping maw (now tell me why maws always be gaping 😂😂😂).

It is efficient, though, and it does kick ass. I love eating with my hands. And it’s not for everyone—neither to watch nor to practice. If you want, we can start another payment tier for Low Lift Ask where you sick, horny freak fucks who get off on this shit can get regularly scheduled videos of me eating with my hands in a tightly cropped zoom, so as to only provide the necessary features (plate, hand, mouth, bottom of mustache), and you can watch them in the privacy of your own bedrooms and do whatever, I guess. It’s probably what you guys want anyway…

There should be a new food eating way. The current ones we have are (by my count):

FORK MOVES

FORK SCOOP: rice, grain bowls, etc.

FORK STAB: tubular pasta, salad, chunks of protein, etc.

FORK TWIRL: you know the vibes

ONE-HAND FORK SLICE + STAB: fried eggs, salmon, medium-soft objects

STABILIZED KNIFE CUT + FORK STAB: chunks of protein, asparagus, big vegetable, not being a little bitch

STABILIZED KNIFE CUT WITH DOMINANT HAND + UTENSIL SWITCHOVER + DOMINANT HAND FORK STAB: being a little bitch

ASIAN MOVES

CHOPSTICK PINCH: piece of sushi, chunks of protein

CHOPSTICK SHOVEL INTO MOUTH: rice at the end of the bowl

ONE HAND CHOPSTICK, ONE HAND SOUP SPOON: your phos, your ramens, what have you

THAI FORK AND SPOON: use fork to shovel into spoon in dominant hand

SPOON MOVES

UNDERHAND SPOON GRIP: yogurt, oatmeal, soup, respectful and civilized sipping

OVERHAND SPOON GRIP: gobbling down ice cream like a greedy little boy!

HAND MOVES

TWO HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF AN OBJECT: sandwich, ribs, wings, corn, etc.

HAND PINCH AND DIP: tacos, chips and salsa, breads in liquids

HAND VERTICAL GRIP: burrito, ice cream cone

PIZZA-STYLE CRUST PINCH AND FOLD: pizza

ONE-HANDED RIP AND SCOOP: dosa, porotta, etc.

HAND SLOP: my mom made me a plate of choru, neymeen curry, cabbage thoran, and pappadam!

Don’t tell me if I’ve missed anything; I don’t actually want to know what disgusting shit you guys are up to. What I’m really doing by cataloguing this extensive inventory, by doing the damn work, is what everyone else is scared to do: prove that we need a new food eating way.

New food eating way no need be utensil-focused. New food eating way can be unique, provide whimsy. New food eating way be sick be fucking radical be hardcore as fuck (my headphones just shuffled to the Karen O version of “Immigrant Song.”)

Option 1: USING YOUR INDEX AND MIDDLE FINGERS LIKE CHOPSTICKS

This one could be cool. I get that a lot of food is hot, or whatever, but still: let’s just cut out the fucking middle man. You have more control over your fingers anyways. Use what God gave ya!

Came across something called ‘gamer chopsticks’

Option 2: MINI-VACUUM

To be honest, utensils ruined the game. Much like Gregg Popovich’s thoughts on the three-point line sullying the purity of basketball, utensils broke the baseline framework we were all working from. Once you introduce an object into the process of food eating, all hell breaks loose; what’s next, tweezers? A battery-powered knife/fork combination tool? Another thing…?

Mini-vacuum could be tight. Like a little hollow cylinder, and when you place it above a food item (hard to medium-soft) you press a little button on the side and it sucks it up. And then I don’t have to tell you what to do next (you bring it to your mouth)!

Option 3: CAN’T THINK OF ONE

Get off my ass, guys—come up with your own thing. I don’t know. Damn. Always expect so much from me.

Ritam’s Footnote

You’re forgetting a few key ways of eating food:

CRUMBS FROM BAG RAMPED DIRECTLY INTO MOUTH

HUMAN CENTIPEDE

🐛

Did you guys notice how Nabeel italicized all the Indian food names? Bro 😂 italicization is for ITALIAN food.