The other day, new guy got big job. That much we can agree on. Also, Garth Brooks, Lady Gaga and J-Lo performed, maskless. I mean—almost a year into this whole thing, Fauci’s next door…they couldn’t get them a damn mask to cover their mouths? I mean!
Like jazz, though, inaugurations are more about the notes you don’t play. Think about all that was left on the cutting room floor, all the musical acts and poets and coats that didn’t make it on to the lectern. In a stunning feat of political journalism, I have actually procured this list—a group of performers, artists, YouTubers, dreamers, Americans whose hopes were dashed by our so-called “president.” Here’s what we could have had, but never got:
1. Singer Mason Ramsey
The Wal-Mart Yodeling Kid was all dressed up with nowhere to go on inauguration day, unfortunately. After jolting out of bed in his normal nighttime outfit of “Jessie from Toy Story,” his mom unfortunately had to deliver the bad news: that Joe Biden didn’t love him anymore. What a shame! He was all set to perform his brand new single, “The Best Lunch I Ever Had,” which recounts the first time he ever ate pussy.
2. Louis Farrakhan
In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, Joe Biden was planning to give the leader of the Nation of Islam 45 minutes of uninterrupted stage time. Too bad he chickened out, because that would have been wild.
3. Nobel Prize-winning novelist Toni Morrison
I don’t think he knew that she recently died, but this one hurts all the same. She would have been great. If she were alive.
4. Rick and Morty, Community showrunner Dan Harmon
Famously, Biden is a big fan of the Story Circle. He even went so far as to say, in a 60 Minutes interview years ago, that “Dan Harmon’s screenwriting structure was the only way I could crack my own pilot script. It really unlocked everything, I tell ya. Hey, come on, jack, put that away, will ya? Seriously, it’s private! I don’t want the world to see it yet—it’s not ready for primetime. Come on now, jack!”
Unfortunately, Biden was incensed that he was never sent a special packet of the Szechuan Sauce, and took it as a personal affront. This was Joe at the time (unverified):
5. Comedian Midge Maisel
I’m hearing reports that Joe Biden thinks this show fell off.
6. My cousin Tariq
This is my cousin Tariq. He was unfortunately left out of the inauguration ceremony at the last minute, because of an apparent conflict of interest. I don’t know what the conflict is yet, because we don’t stay in touch enough, man! Seriously, dude—reach out some time. And I gotta be better about it, too, I know. But I miss you—I miss us.
7. NYT-bestselling cookbook author Priya Krishna
Awww! Damn it, Joe—you’re kidding me! You’re telling me we were going to see Priya make some whole wheat toast with yogurt on itttttt? And we were going to see her FaceTime her auntttttt? And she was going to give us an anecdote about cooking Indian food with her mommmmmmm?
Never forget what they took from us.
8. NBA stars Aaron Gordon and Zach LaVine
Americans across the country were itching for a rematch of the greatest dunk contest the world had ever seen, but I’m hearing reports that this cancellation was actually borne of the whims of Douglas Emhoff, Kamala Harris’ husband and Second Gentlemen. There’s not much remarkable about this dude, so I don’t have enough to make a joke here.
9. This guy
Jonny Sarhanis, known for being able to simultaneously contract every muscle in his body, was going to rise out of the depths of the inauguration platform, shackled in a cage, and eventually break free using his animal Greek instincts.
Joe, unfortunately, vetoed this. I am drafting up the Articles of Impeachment as we speak.
10. U.S. President Joe Biden
Joe Biden was supposed to appear at the inauguration on Wednesday, but at the end of the day, his team decided it was too much of a safety risk. The guy you saw there, taking the oath on the bible? It was…you guessed it, the Prank King himself! Clooney! Oh, you lovable scamp!
10. Sensei Sudarshana Deshapriya
Deshapriya was going to fix his broke ass neck on live TV, and we were all going to come together, as one, united Sri Lankan nation, when he did so. But I guess Lady Gaga with the damn Hunger Games pin was better than this? Get real, Joe.
11. YouTube Food Reviewers JoeysWorldTour and ReviewBrah
Now this one was going to be interesting. According to several sources, the tables were to be turned—the reviewers would, for one fateful day, become the chefs. Both ReviewBrah and Joey would receive 30 minutes, 4 secret ingredients, and one goal: to create a restaurant-quality appetizer that would blow Joe’s sweet, stinky argyle socks off.
Unfortunately, according to sources, Joe Biden was having straight liquid shits in the morning, and decided against this.
11. Senator Bernie Sanders
You guys see this shit? The guy was wearing freaking mittens!! 😂😂😂
And a coat!
And then you could PhotoShop him into other places 😂 like he was sitting there!
Then Twitter took off, and this guy made this website where you could put him anywhere you wanted to!! Bernie Sanders 😂 sitting
My dude straight up sitting in a chair like grandpa 😂😂😂😂
He got somewhere to be after this?? Or 😂
Like, seriously, dude got on mittens!!! 😂 It’s cold AF!!!
Bernie with the straight blessed GORP like he subscribes to freaking Blackbird Spyplane 😂
Ayyyyy!! He’s sitting 😂 On a chair, no less 😂
It’s cold and he’s wearing that same coat 😂 like from the meme!! 😂😂😂😂
Yooo come collect your Jewish grandpa king 😂 it’s the Senator from Vermont—and he’s sitting 😂😂😂😂😂
On a chair
Bernie’s in the damn chair 😂 At the inauguration!!
C h
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r. Sitti ng
😂 COld!
According to my sources, Joe Biden did not want Bernie Sanders to perform at the inauguration, for fear that we would accidentally swear him in instead. RIP.
11. Musician Stevie Wonder
Apparently Joe Biden, that morning, said, “I only need people that can see. And if they can’t see, then they can’t sing. Period.” What the hell, dude!
Ritam’s Footnote
I’m hearing reports that Warwick Davis has been tapped to be Biden’s “Mini Me.”