Nabeel’s Footnote

The funniest thing that ever happened at my middle school involved a guy whom I hope, truly, someone had the chance to date in college. Whenever I think of Guys—just good, memorable Dudes—I remember this one.

The school was always plagued by packs of seagulls during lunch, and this one kid, [redacted], was always known as the kid who threw shit at them. At lunch, a flock of seagulls would descend on the JLS Middle School campus, and without fail, all day, every day, he would stake out his own corner of the blacktop and absolutely pelt stuff at the birds. Just annihilated them—sandwiches, pennies, rubber bands, etc. It was wild.

One day, we see a crowd forming around him, and they’re all looking down at the ground. It turns out [redacted] had unleashed a cannon of his 12-pack of glue sticks. And, miraculously, he had lodged one of these bad boys

directly, squarely, perfectly, perpendicularly in a seagull’s beak, propping it upright and killing the bird. I know this isn’t funny, but to be honest it kind of is. [Redacted] got suspended for a while, I think. What a Guy.

[Sorry, just thought we’re playing the hits this week.]