The Grinch Manifesto
as mailed to the publishers of Low Lift Ask
Many of you may be aware of and familiar with the Christmas-themed domestic terrorist known as The Grinch. The publishers of this newsletter have received five letters from the Grinch over the course of the past three weeks. Along with the letters came a promise that, unless we publish them in their entirety, the entire town of Whoville would be covered in a thick blanket of carbon monoxide, from which there would be no escape. It’s not like we had a pre-existing “We do not negotiate with terrorists” policy at this newsletter. Honestly, that seems like a stupid policy. Seems like negotiating with terrorists might actually work, right? Hm. Anyway, here are the letters.
The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in “advanced” countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. The continued development of technology will worsen the situation. It will certainly subject human beings to greater indignities and inflict greater damage on the natural world, it will probably lead to greater social disruption and psychological suffering, and it may lead to increased physical suffering even in “advanced” countries.
These are just some thoughts I’ve been having, about the nature of society and how bad it is.
I’d like to admit something. I stole the last letter from a man named Ted. It’s funny, because I was actually created by a Ted—Ted Geisel. That’s something that’s funny to me, and my twisted brain.
But yes, I stole the last letter, because, to be honest with you, I don’t think my internal philosophy is particularly coherent. I know I need to do a manifesto—I’ve been terrorizing the citizens of Whoville, and yes, more broadly, The United States of America, for a while now, and I think most domestic terrorists should probably do a manifesto so that people know what we’re all about, and why we do what we do. But I’m not really sure how I feel about modern society. In some ways, I think it’s good, because people seem quite unhappy, and I guess I like that, but in other ways, I think it’s bad, because other people actually seem very happy. I certainly am a mess of contradictions today!
But enough about me; how are you? I think it’s polite to say that in letters: “But enough about me, how are you.” But I need you to know: I don’t care how you are. Even if you’re doing bad, and you’re really going through it, my heart is very small, I think, and I won’t be able to feel anything, even if you’re doing bad.
I’ll send a few more letters, I think. See if this thing works itself out, this manifesto thing. I think I’ll try to work it out over the course of a few more letters, yes.
Until next time,
I’d like to propose something. I think this is a good philosophy—this is a good set of ideas to base a manifesto around. Okay. Hear me out. You know when people say “Cheese it, boys, it’s the fuzz?”
Okay, my manifesto is this: When people say “Cheese it, boys, it’s the fuzz!” they should be referring to the moldy fuzz that’s on the rind of many fine cheeses. And it shouldn’t be said with urgency, like people say it, it should be said with excitement, because the fuzz actually means the cheese is going to be good. I think this is what I want, I think this is what I want to change in society. And if I don’t get what I want… Grinchy get mad. And when Grinchy get mad… little boys and girls get their little hearts broke… and do you really want that on your conscience?
But enough about me; how are you? Fuck. Damn. I didn’t mean to say that. Too polite, frankly.
Good bye, and please think upon the cheese thing.
I’m beginning to wonder why you haven’t written me back. I’m feeling a little bit pathetic here. And I’d like to clear something up.
A lot of people seem to think that I’m very cruel to Max, my dog, that I tie the antler to and stuff, and that I make pull the sleigh. And I just want to say: You don’t understand what it’s like to live with Max. I don’t think this was in the book or cartoon or anything, but Max is one of the most disgusting dogs of all time. He is always licking my mouth and teeth and he keeps “going for the uvula,” which is so gross. And he (this was really not in any of the movies, which really bothered me) is always farting out these gross and smelly dog farts, which is like a huge aspect of his character. He farts while he sleeps too, so you wake up covered in a blanket of noxious fumes.
In fact, I actually used to just be a normal human being, like, just an ordinary white guy, before I adopted Max. And it’s actually his farts that hardened my heart and mutated my genes so that I’m green, mean, and totally lean. I used to be a white guy named “Jordan.” I miss that life, and I miss my old job at a sports marketing agency. It was actually a really great place to work, everyone had a lot of mutual respect and trust for each other. I miss being a white guy. Can I say that? Am I allowed to say that, in 2021? I miss being white! And I don’t care who knows it.
And this is the manifesto now, by the way, it’s about how white guys are actually not that bad.
But enough about me; how are you?
My friend told me about this password manager app thing and I’ve been trying to set it up for a day now and I’m having a lot of trouble. Why can’t I just use iCloud Keychain? It seems secure enough to me. This is the manifesto now—why do we need password manager apps? It used to be fine and normal. Bring back when we didn’t need password manager apps, or I will bomb the fucking shit out of the freedom tower……….
I actually just realized that Whoville is the same place in The Grinch and Horton Hears A Who! Extended universe…