The Ejection Quotient
I have stood by Draymond Green for years. There’s not much to say any more about him. He is one of the sport’s greatest defenders, full stop. He is a headcase. He is the apotheosis of The Guy Whom You Would Fucking Hate If He Were On Another Team But Since He’s On Yours You Love Him. That’s just my truth. That’s just me as a fan of the Golden State Warriors. And yet…here we find ourselves now…Who Defends the Defender…
The real answer is: who gives a shit? This team is cooked, washed, toast, dogshit, whatever you want to call it. Steph is still the most electric player in the league but the rest of the roster is almost all doo-doo butt cheeks. Steve Kerr’s rotations have been borderline offensive. Every night the Warriors don’t play is pure bliss. For the uninitiated: Draymond has, at this point in the season (less than 30 games in), been ejected three times, including choking out a Frenchman and delivering a devastating 360 KO to another massive Slav. The above is the larger context in which we must consider Draymond’s latest temper tantrum and subsequent “indefinite suspension.”
Now, if we find ourselves, a month from now, staring down the barrel of a mini-documentary about Draymond’s “Struggles with Mental Health,” I’ll have to give up basketball for the remainder of the 23-24 season. It seems we’re already priming the pump for it with every mf in the league—from victims of Draymond’s Hurt Locker Nurkic and Gobert to Warriors’ own brass Mike Dunleavy and Kerr to even Tha Gawd Steph and initial Teammate Run Out Of Town KD—all offering soundbites on how “that brother needs help.” If that’s what this all devolves into, just count me out.
It could potentially be a different story if the Warriors weren’t pure ass. But what’s actually sad about this very public reprobation is just how vulnerable it all feels. We’re watching a guy, night after night, lash out violently when confronted with the realities of his aging, increasingly unathletic body—a man who, now lacking the most basic offensive skillsets (shoot, layup) must accept that his championship-pedigree core is mostly old and fried, while every other team in the West is now young and above the rim, and in refusing to accept it, humiliates himself on the public stage. It’s embarrassing to watch, even more so to feel the same shame. Draymond is the laughingstock of anyone even tangentially associated with the NBA at the moment, and there’s also a funny new thing where people will tweet “ejaculation” instead of “ejection” as a bit. It’s never been worse for me.
And so, since we’ve seen them all countless times—The Stomp, The Nut Tap, The Spinning Backhand,’ The Punch, The Chokehold, more that I can’t even list —and since there’s a chance we may never see Draymond play meaningful basketball again (or just that I won’t be able to feel excited about it), here’s his true Hall of Fame. Something nice to remember him by.
Fergie at the 2018 All-Star Game
Draymond has, by far, the funniest facial reaction during this whole fiasco. (Skip to 1:32.) This was a peak moment for all involved, but his transition from mouth-breathing to the sly smile at Steph gets me every time.
“Chasing That Farewell Tour, They Don’t Love You Like That”
One of the most devastating pieces of trash talk ever uttered. Straight to Paul Pierce on the bench, less than a minute into the game—the score is 1-0. Paul Pierce isn’t even on the floor. Probably no one is even sweating yet. “You thought you was Kobe.” Jesus Christ.
The Freeze
Nope. Yup. Yuhhh
Just two sauced fellas choppin’ it up with Ros “Tha” Gold-Onwude. Draymond obviously immortalized the clip here, but it’s fun to watch now and notice how drunk Klay is, too. Man. The Warriors really suck right now, don’t they?
Snapchat Incident
No, I won’t post it here. Believe me, I have the pic. Everyone does. Everyone’s seen what is purportedly Draymond’s erect, iPhone-camera-flashed member. My prevailing memory of this situation, though, was an old college roommate of mine making sure to let everyone know that he didn’t “even think it was that big.” “It’s nothing special.” “Guys, it’s not even that big.” God bless, brother.
Klutch Gene
This photo never gets old. The guy loves LeBron—what can you say? Also, AI is crazy.
The Chokehold
I know, I know—we already went over this. But it’s so damn funny. The slo-mo when he flies into the frame is too good to be true (1:34). And look at this face. This is the face of a man who has wanted to choke out Rudy Gobert for years (and haven’t we all…):
No more defending this guy from me, I guess. It’s over. We had a good run. You can send me the backpack memes all you want now. I’ll even “haha” react. I’ll hit it with an “lmao.” I don’t give a fuck.
Ritam’s Footnote
Hallo from jolly old England!!! Cheers luv x
Yes!!!! YES!!!!!!
this is reality tv for boys