The Commentator's Call

BBC (basketball corner)

Every year, at this time, when I remember to watch college basketball, I am reminded of how violent the clank of March Madness rim is. When a JUCO transfer on Nebraska bricks a 24-foot corner three, it is somehow the loudest possible noise your TV can make. It induces tinnitus. You are reminded that this is a non-professional sport, despite what their NIL contracts may claim. You know that this mf missed.

In the spirit of March Madness, and tying together that whole thing I just said about how violent it sounds when someone bricks a shot in college basketball—really tortured, convoluted intro (video above unrelated)—I have decided to catalog some of the best things you can hear when watching basketball. One of the worst things you can hear is when the commentators say the phrase “jestergooning.”

“It’s a make-or-miss league”

This is what someone like Vince Carter will say at halftime, usually to signal that, in basketball, the team that makes most of their shots, will, more often than not, win games, while the team that misses most of their shots will usually lose. That’s what they mean by “make-or-miss league”; if you haven’t pieced it together yet, it means that you can win a game by making shots, and lose it by missing them. In the aggregate, that means that if you make a lot of your shots, you can win a lot of your games, and then you’d be a good team, because you won a lot of your games (because you made a lot of your shots). Conversely—well, I don’t need to spell it out for you.

But I might as well anyway: if you miss a lot of your shots, statistically speaking, you will likely lose most of your games. Then, you would not be a very good team. I love when they say shit like this.

“Wisely pulls it back” when a pointguard, for some reason, decides not to engage with a fastbreak

This has long been a favorite of mine. Commentators love to say it’s wise when someone decides a fastbreak isn’t worth committing to, so they slow down and bring it back to the top of the three. Every time, the commentator will say it’s “wise”—even if, honestly, they probably would have scored or drawn a foul if they had just gone to the basket.

Hey…The only time I’m “Wisely Pulling It Back” is when..I Gotta Pee😂😂😂😂 (foreskin)!!!! - Nabeel Chollampat

“Bodies flying everywhere”

My friend Neal (real name Akash 🧐) reminded me of this classic. Just one of those ones you take for granted. I can hear Rece Davis or Mike Breen saying this right now in my head. Usually just what they reflexively say when people are diving for a loose ball.

Saying “gotta make him earn it” when a big man gets fouled

Enemy of the newsletter harry suggested this one—a great example of the kind of reflexive, machismo, “in-the-90s-Oakley-would’ve-decked-Steph” mentality we still must contend with. A big guy can’t just get an easy bucket. You Gotta Make Him Earn It At The Charity Stripe.

“Getting it done on both ends”

Submitted by recent 30-year-old Jesse Aaronson (unc as fuck). It’s honestly sick when a guy is getting it done on both ends. Translation: he just stuffed a guy at the rim (😳😳😳) and then threw it down on the other end, and also he is getting it done on both ends (both holes being filled, no loads refused).

“Rewarding the big man”

Basically goes hand in hand with the above, but it’s when a big guy, whom you usually would not expect to run the length of the court (despite the fact that he’s a professional athlete), runs the length of the court after making a defensive stop, so then you “reward him” by passing him the ball to score or, even better, yam it in someone’s face. Love this one.

“Makes a business decision”

Edward M.D. suggested this one—it makes sense, because he spends his time writing prescriptions and propping up Big Pharma 🙄

This one seems to have taken off in the last five or six years: all it means is that a guy decided not get dunked on, instead moved out of the way, and in doing so, “made a business decision.” I don’t really follow the logic 100%, but they love saying it these days.

Dishonorable Mention: Anything from Mark Jones

I’m sorry, but I hate Mark Jones’ bullshit. Some people find it funny. I do not. I think it takes you out of the game, and it makes the presentation all about him, and not about the game. I imagine he has a cheat sheet on his person at all times. It is not spontaneous. He is a charlatan. Some of his worst, off the dome:

• “Like the fries are at the bottom of the bag”—hate this one so fucking much.

• “Hotter than fish grease”—fine, I guess. But still. One must wonder: why?

• “Put him in the friend zone”—come on, man. Come on.

• This one is the worst, honestly. The worst part of it all, probably, is that it was about Kevin Huerter, who is from Saratoga Springs and his Basketball Reference nickname is “K’Von”:

Honorable Mention: Mark Jackson Fade-Outs

Something we’ve lost in the cultural revolution: Mark Jackson, on ABC Sundays, confidently saying some shit while the broadcast plays a slo-mo replay and they go to commercial. “The core texts,” some of you would say. This was a master at work. “May I have this dance?”

Ritam’s Footnote