The Asim Chronicles
Checking in on my boy
The other day, I was sent a particularly good LinkedIn post by beloved subscriber and public intellectual Nick Serra. It had all the hallmarks of the genre: aesthetically repulsive line breaks; craven dick-sucking; the author’s stated goal of “providing value”, etc. It even contained this line, which I have decided (at great moral cost) to reprint here in its entirety: “My all-time favorite comedian, Andrew Shultz [sic].”
But enough about this kid who tried to pitch his nootropics startup to his two favorite celebrities, (good lord) Andrew Schulz and Casey Neistat.
Who we’re really here to talk about today is a Low Lift Ask HOFer. If it seems, at times, that my ultimate goal with this newsletter is to discover and shine a light on the worst South Asian guys the internet can dredge up—well, then, so be it. Someone’s gotta do it. How else would we be able to keep up with the CEO of Jibble, 100% free time tracking software?
It’s been a long couple of years since we last saw him. I’d like to think he changed, matured a bit. Maybe as the beard grows grayer, so too does his wisdom harden into perfect little jewels. I can’t imagine navigating today’s corporate world without his fables and lessons at my back—to be thrust into working life with nary a moral imperative decreed from on high by the CEO of Jibble, the new employee time tracking app? I can’t…
But it seems as though Asim has actually changed in more surprising ways. In all honesty, I’ve begun to entertain the idea that this mf is one huge troll. There’s no other way to explain the shit you’re about to read.
I’m ultimately on his side here—the naked iPhone is worth it, if you’re feeling spicy—but…what the hell? You can get away with saying this on LinkedIn? Just telling people they should factor in buying two iPhones when they get a new one? This seems like an obvious provocation, a response to my pulling down his pants in front of an audience of 200 morons, perhaps? Well played, brother. Well played.
This is nuts. My man has got insane balls. To start a story off by citing your “INCREDIBLE memory” and how you dunked on 10-year-olds, to then end it with the most condescending take on intelligence possible? Essentially: “I’m smart as fuck, but why do we categorize people as stupid or smart? Ugh! I’m definitely in the latter camp, but aghhhh! It’s so frustrating that society does this, even though I’m smart! Blergh!”
I feel like this is too obvious. You are 100% fucking with us, Asim!
Seriously, dude—stop 😂😂😂 People are going to believe you, bro 😂😂 You play too much!
Sure. Sure? I mean—what are you saying here? What am I supposed to glean from this?
Roasting one of my children on LinkedIn for being mean to “mummy and daddy” cause he has to fly in economy >>>
My family is definitely Normal! I love my Chill Life!
Honestly, if someone told me this at work, I would be so fucking annoyed. I would legit just get up and leave and buy my own pen. Don’t say shit like that to me.
I also do not understand the framing of “a decade and a half ago.” You could have picked any time frame, dawg—you made up the damn story!
This was a great one, dude.
This was so good.
I can’t believe that after the Oscars that night I didn’t immediately check to see if Asim had posted anything. Screw the reaction pods…I needed some pure, uncut Qureshi! Because this, frankly, is what the world desperately required in the moment: a full-throated defense of free speech from the CEO of Jibble, your new favorite way to track your employees’ time. He probably should not have used the word neanderthal here, but isn’t it funny that he thinks his name is Ayden? We can look past some stuff, right?
Anyway, that’s my Asim round-up for 2022. Hope you had fun this week. Please, let me know in the comments if you didn’t. I’m just trying to add a little joy and cheer to a world that, God knows, needs it. You know? That’s all this is. That’s all it needs to be. And, hey? Before you go? If you think of another annoying Indian guy, text it to me, but don’t make a whole thing about it. OK?
I’m annoying 🥺🥺🥺🥺 why won’t you write a newsletter about me????