Tears of the Kingdom OFFICIAL Low Lift Ask Review
The Legend of Zelda is a video game series that millions around the world enjoy.
I have always loved video games, ever since I played Raft Wars on Miniclip.com in 2022.
So when I heard that there was a new game out, I decided I wanted to do an in-depth review for my weekly Substack, where I normally write about politics, race, and the affairs of the day.
I began my Zelda adventure by picking up the gaming device, a Nintendo Switch.
I was blown away by the fidelity of the graphics. Looking closer, I couldn’t see any pixel-level boundaries. Is this the “brave new world” that the future heralds for gamers and non-gamers alike?
Graphics Rating: 10/10. Three Low Lift Asks Up!
When beginning the actual gameplay, I found myself confused. There were no controls as far as I could see, nor were there any menu options.
It was at this point that my landlord knocked on my door.
He said he was getting married downstairs and asked if I would officiate. I told him I needed to get ordained online. Did you know you can get ordained online? One of these funny little things about the modern age, I guess.
I googled “Ordained online how get” and received back pages and pages of SEO-optimized spam articles. I then googled “Ordained online how get Reddit” and it led me to a thoughtfully written post by a white supremacist on how to go about the process. In the end, I chose a little-known online-based ministry called “The Cat-holic Church.” Funny, only in our modern internet age is being a Cat-holic a religion! 😂 😹
After being ordained as a Catholic priest, I found myself more connected to His Word than ever before. Visions began appearing to me in the night—The Virgin Mother with hands of flame, a waxy, melting Christ effigy with eyes that seemed like pools of onyx, a thundering roar from the heavens to “continue the crusade.” I grew fervent, I cried for salvation. I begged Him each morning to forgive me and liberate me of my tormented flesh. Each night I’d shiver and shake as I slept, haunted by the divine energy coursing through my newly ordained body. I received a missive, an imperative to travel to the Vatican, to meet the Pontifex himself.
Upon meeting Pope Francis, I threw myself upon his ring, kissing it with fervor. I kissed it for hours, licking and sucking, tickling and teasing the ring. I nibbled the band and gnawed upon the seal. I fucked the Pope’s ring until morning light, at which point I groggily got up, stretched, smoked a cigarette and had a coffee while walking around the Vatican grounds, and decided that Zelda was a pretty good game. Gameplay review: 3/10. One Low Lift Ask Up!
Hello from Thailand! A land of magical sugar and spices, where the elephants gambol and play and the fish sauce runs through the blood of the locals. Yes siree, I am loving my trip here!