At the moment, I am oriented towards Consumption. I don’t have much energy these days, physically or intellectually, and so my Creation capabilities are limited. That’s why the standards of this once-pristine newsletter—one of Obama’s Favorite Substacks of 2023, actually—are, as they have been for weeks now, about to plunge down the toilet.
You see, a man cannot ignore the temperature of the climate around him. The world is an ever-changing, dynamic environment. Heat levels are rising, and along with it, the preponderance of photos of guys pissing into urinals with captions from basketball play-by-play announcers.
Ballsack Sports—a venerable institution that paved the way for a new generation of accounts like BrickMuse, Hater Central, and Poo Crave—seems to have jacked that one guy’s piss pic and slapped the infamous Mike Breen Steph double-bang call onto it. Questionable ethics, indeed.
There’s maybe something here that we can extract, psychologically, about where the soul of our nation is at at the moment. Probably. Never has it been more acceptable to post tastefully angled pictures of your piss streams on the World Wide Web, and we’re likely at the exact right moment in cultural history that would encourage the use of Mark Jones-esque captions to accompany them. I’m not sure what that says about us. Perhaps that we’re all headed straight for the hellfire?
To scroll through Twitter is to laugh when two disparate things are smushed together. God knows I spent the past week laughing at clips of Javier Bardem blurting out, “LISAN AL-GAIB!” juxtaposed with various mundane interactions. That’s the general cultural experience these days. And so, it’s up to us, here, from behind the desks of storied newsletters, to analyze, “Why these two things? And from where did they come together? And who can we blame?”
I am fasting right now, so I’m not going to think about it too hard, or at all, really, once I send this out. I would encourage you all to do the work for us. Next time you come across a picture of a guy pissing into a urinal, possibly over some kind of obstacle like a trash can or from a difficult angle, captioned with something that seems like you might hear it as you walk by a sports bar, send it over to us via Substack’s new Private DMs feature. As I’ve said before, I love hearing from you guys.
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One Islam Productions… y’all hiring?