Super smash bros I would do
and sm*ke with. A guest post by Casey Jong
Super smash bros - dream blunt rotation:
Pikachu. What can I say? He’s an unproblematic Asian that radiates good vibes and is one of the few fan-favorite characters that just…lives up to the hype.
Luigi. The well-respected quiet type. Non-judgmental. Brings the weed and smokes you down.
Lucina. I don’t know much about this mf but she just seems like the classic intimidating-at-first-but-has-a-heart-of-gold vibe. She’s cooler than you, but down the line, it probably turns out she’s kind of fucked up and could learn a few things from you. Think Jessa from Girls (keeping in mind that I have only seen the first 3 seasons).
Diddy Kong. Yeah, at first glance he looks like a player and a d-bag, but he’s actually a really generous host and he’s gay. He makes heavily-edited “GRWM: thrifted vintage edition” TikToks in earnest for an audience of 106, waiting for virality to strike unexpectedly. When he rips the bong we call him Diddy Bong!!!!
Ice Climbers. They are that one couple that is attached at the hip but somehow isn’t annoying or codependent. Alternatively, they’re chill siblings and one is a grade above you and one is a grade below you. They almost fade into the background, but when they’re not there, the group feels incomplete :(
Super smash bros - nightmare blunt rotation:
Isabelle. Honestly, she is really cool. I hate to put a girl on blast but she always says she’s down to smoke and then, without fail, she has an anxiety attack. Good friend but a nightmare for the B rotation specifically.
Bowser. SO loud. Has NO boundaries. This guy just pisses me off. When the vibe is good he will switch up the music for no reason.
Kirby. Kirby is a toxic misogynist, but he gets away with it because he’s, like, a pink, round, bubble guy. One time he asked me to name five players on the Detroit Tigers because I was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat. Self-identifies as “staying out of politics”.
Mario. Complete narcissist and obviously incredibly wealthy. He started saying things like “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” a few years back, and now he’s just a whole right-winger. Fame did him really dirty and he has honestly lost touch with most of the super smash roster. </3
Super smash bros - who I would fuck:
Dr. Mario. He’s the McDreamy of the super smash world. He is definitely not husband material but, between the sheets, he is my person.
Mewtwo. Mewtwo is the most sexual being on the entire super smash roster. Mewtwo looks like if Caroline Polachek fucked an iPhone 14 in an oil spill.
Richter. He’s straight up sexy, but nothing else. He hits his head on the sloped ceiling of your college apartment every time he gets out of your bed.
Yoshi. This is the hardest one to explain and probably the most toxic. Yoshi is a snake and cannot be trusted, but you want him to like you anyway. He has fucked all your friends.
Sometimes you think you’ve got your finger on the pulse. But a lot of times? Turns out you don’t. Captain Falcon omission speaks volumes here.