Finding an apartment in New York has never been easier! Here’s a sampling of the kind of stuff that’s available to rent right now!

Fort Greene Charmer - 3 br/3 ba - $2000

A little pricey, but this apartment features stunning windows, an open plan, hardwood floors, and a little sumpin sumpin for the boys too, if you know what I mean.

Cobble Hill Oasis - 2 br / 2 ba - $1000

This is for the art-lover in you! Featuring exposed brick, similar to how they have in art places, this apartment will make you swoon. Again, a little pricey, but you’re definitely getting your money’s worth here.

Gramercy Park Penthouse - 5 br / 4 ba - $450

Finally, something reasonably priced in this city! This penthouse features lots of natural light, an express elevator, and a built-in sound system. 😍 Do not wait, as this won’t remain on the market for long—maybe only 2-3 months, so you have time to do a really thorough and diligent search to make sure you’re signing on the best possible option.

Central Park West Mansion - 7br / 8ba - $200

Yes, you read that right. 8ba. 8 bathooms, but only 7 bedrooms. What do you do with the extra bathroom? I present the following idea—alternate your usage of the bathroom between two. Therefore, daily wear and tear from activities such as showering, brushing your teeth, shitting, pissing, etc, will occur at half the rate, causing you to only have to clean your bathroom half as often. Ah, you’re saying, but won’t you have to clean two bathrooms instead of one? Yes, but you’re forgetting the key thing—the unpleasant part of cleaning a bathroom is not the physical labor of cleaning the bathroom, it’s the mental stress of getting yourself in the bathroom cleaning mindset, you know?

Like, there’s a fixed “unpleasantness cost” overhead to cleaning the bathroom at all. If I’m only cleaning half a bathroom I still need to do the mental work to get myself into bathroom cleaning mode. That work looks the same regardless of how many damn bathrooms you’re cleaning. Do you agree or no…

5th Avenue Museum - 0 br / 45ba - $150

Live out your wildest E.L. Konigsburg-inspired fantasies at this historical property, formerly known as the Mep (sp?).

Clinton Hill Cottage - 4br / 4 ba - $100

This is it. This is what you want. You want this kind of impossibly cute, beautiful home, and it exists. And it has lots of space and greenery, a full backyard, and it’s really close to all of your friends. It’s on a block that isn’t homogenous but is really friendly and safe. And it’s $100 a month, and you can have it forever, the rent will never go up, the super will be really responsive and hypercompetent, and everyone will love coming over because it’s so tasteful and quiet. You can raise a family here, and nothing will ever change.

Can’t wait to be told “your newsletter this week was violence.” Like damn, I’m trying to live out some fantasies here too… this is not purely trolling or whatever.

Nabeel’s Footnote

At the end of the day, we all just want a sweet crib for the homies to pull up to—and what better way to do that than to pay rent, to a landlord? Why is everyone complaining so much about that?