I read this morning that Joe Biden has decided to take 7 billion dollars from the people of Afghanistan and redistribute it to Pete Davidson. While I can only laud his astute and sanguine decision, I have to ask Mr. Joe… Yo, can you hook a brother up?

That cash, the cash that used to be held by the Afghani government, the cash that was ostensibly collected from taxing the people of Afghanistan—Yo, lemme get some of that, right?

If I had access to some of that cashola, here are some of the things that I would buy for myself:

This Private Jet

It hides, lying in wait—stalking its prey, obscured by the natural protection of foliage. But when you least expect it, it strikes… Yes, if I were to collect what is, frankly, owed to me by the people of Afghanistan, you could be sure my eyes would be set on this beauty!

This Beach House

Tfw artist rendering… Yes, were I to collect my inheritance from the people of Afghanistan, who sport such names as Habibullah, Fatima, Fawzia, and Ghulam, I would instantaneously snap up this hot property. Sure, climate change will render it uninhabitable in the year 2025, but in this market? Who gives a fuck! Gimme Gimme!

This Designer Tee

*slapping the roof of this garment* Those stains’ll buff right out, and when they do, you should hear this baby purr…

I wonder what Rabia Balkhi, Afghan poet circa 900 AD, would think of this shirt…

Living on a Prayer by Jon Bon Jovi

I’ve had 99¢ saved to buy this song forever, but then iTunes Plus started offering a DRM-free version for $1.29. I needed it DRM-free so bad… and now, I can finally have my heart’s desire…

Thank you to the tireless workers of Afghanistan—without you, none of this would have been possible. I’m glad you gave us your money. That was really nice of you. I promise we won’t waste it!

Nabeel’s Footnote

Imagine what I could do with $7 billion. I could give one dollar to every person in the world…