Something Brickèd This Way Comes
How I learned to stop being really dumb and start being really really smart again
About a month ago my girlfriend gifted me a Brick for Hanukkah.
Tough sentence to open with, I can’t lie. I’m expecting the bounce rate on this one to be high. Stick with me for a minute though. (If your attention span can handle it 😳😳😳)
There’s a lot to be embarrassed about in my hook. Right off the bat I have to make a business decision. Opt for the Chalamet-Esque “partner” or give you the impression I’m a man-child with a “girlfriend?” 100 words in and we’ve already found ourselves in a double-blind.
Next I have to admit to you that my attention span is so rotten that I needed a physical product to get me back on track. I basically wanna tell you I got a new toy. Wike a widdle pre-schooler. Despicable.
Which brings me to number three: Bro’s Still Getting Presents for Hanukkah?? Word 😯. Most of you have careers, mortgages, kids on the way, maybe. For eight nights in December I’m just going to town, tearing open wrapping paper on a little box like a little jackal.
Hanukkah Night Two, boom. A Brick lands in my lap.
Wait, Jesse: are you talking about the durable building material that often has a red appearance and is made from clay (I think?)?
Glad you asked. No, I’m not. Let me put you on:
A Brick is this little thing. A device. You tell it what apps you don’t want to use. Then you scan your phone on it et voila you’re blocked from using them until you Unbrick Your Shit. If you wanna look scroll through IG Reels you have to stand up, walk to the Brick, and scan. Good luck with that one, Odysseus.
Oh. Did I mention it’s magnetic? Pop that sucker right on your fridge next to a novelty magnetized bottle opener shaped like a beer bottle but instead of Corona it says Cozumel.
But come on man. Is it really necessary to have this little device? Can’t you just exercise stricter self control? Can’t you just (as my mother bluntly asked me the other day) simply shut your phone off when you want to focus?
Time limits have never worked for me—too easy to eschew. Self control also doesn’t really work for me because, as I said above, I’m dumb. The shutting off the phone idea is…it’s ridiculous is what it is!…I don’t even know if it’s possible to shut an iPhone off, Mom. Please let me have this. Please…
I know I’m not alone in feeling like my entire brain has been taken over by my phone. Seems like every week for the last five years someone else writes a very thoughtful essay on the matter. Perhaps even someone on this very substack… Maybe even twice...
On the spectrum of screen addiction I’m probably not the worst ever, but it got to a place I really didn’t like. I found myself looking at my phone while brushing my teeth at night (vulnerable to admit, but true). It became harder for me to watch long movies or episodes of TV without my phone in reach. If I spent too much time on my phone in the morning, I could feel this tangible film over my brain disallowing me from engaging in other activities like, say, reading a book.
There was a time where I felt like I might never go an hour without knowing where my phone was for the rest of my life. Forever cursed to walk around feeling that hot little rectangle resting on my thigh, burning a hole in my pocket.
From the Top Rope: DA BRIIIICKKKKKKKKK!
I’ve had it for about a month and a half and, to put it mildly, it fixed my whole ass brain.
My screentime is down and my joie-de-vivre is up. y = mx + b type shit.
As I’m writing this My Bricked Melon feels so damn good. Words are pouring out of me with an ease heretofore unseen.
And if you relate to the above in any way, maybe the Brick is for you.
But hey. Don’t just take my word for it.
Don’t believe me? Here are all the ways I’ve improved my life in the last 6 weeks.
I read my first article
I used to think there were only two types of media: 1. youtube short. 2. podcast on 1.75x speed.
Since getting #BrickedTFUp, though, I discovered whole new style of consuming information that I never heard of before: article.
They’re really cool—think youtube shorts but longer and with words instead of videos.
This morning I spent a while reading articles with titles such as “IMF Raises Forecast for Global Growth as Tariff Drag Fades” and even “Why This Fish Actually Needs a Hole in the Head.”
I also learned today that Crude Oil (U.S) is up $0.26. 10 year treasury yield though? Dropped 0.039 points. ☹️
If any of you needs me to explain any of the above (tariffs, fish, etc), or what “S&P” means, I’d be thrilled to do so. Pro Bono (that’s latin for “no worries dog.” something I learned a Post Brick World).
I mastered the Cyrillic alphabet in one day
I did this between the hours of 7 and 10am when my phone is automatically set to the “Deep Morning Focus” setting I made on Brick.
If you need me from 7 to 10? Call up the Serbian Embassy. They’ll know how to find me! Trust me…they’ll know!
I thought Claude was my homie’s coworker
The other day my friend said to me, "we didn’t even use Claude for that.”
I’m thinkin’ to myself Claude? Is that like a french freelancer you usually hire to bang out some copy? And then I just start cracking up. I picture this guy wearing a little beret. Honestly it’s adorable. Has a little crepe griddle at his work station. Hilarious accent. Drinks wine at work. 20, 30 minutes go by before I check back into the conversation. I’m just thinking about Claude the entire time. My homies were talking about the steady demise of society in a post-AI world, but it was lowkey boring so I was just doing mind-french. C’est bon… c’est bon.
This type of fanciful imagination? Only possible En Brick.
I started Taking Note of My Surroundings and Deriving Pleasure from the Everyday Beauty of the Natural World.
The other day I was on a walk in Central Park with my girlfriend. Phones were obviously Bricked To The Gills back at our apartment. We’re strolling around the Harlem Meer and we take notice of some ducks floating along the surface of the pond. It was so beautiful, man…they were just coasting along…in a little pack. Some of the surface of the lake was frozen solid. When the ducks approached the icy parts they just turned around and floated a different way. They knew: no swimming through solid ice. Marvelous.
We got really close to this one mallard chilling in the reeds by the water’s edge. This dude had jaw-droppingly gorgeous plumage. Talking vibrant colors, an impossibly smooth head. He was actually kinda hot now that I think about it. He’s gonna make a Lady Duck very happy one day…
But tell me more about how your youtube algorithm knows you better than your own family 😂😂😂😂😂 Nah. But FR Tho.
When I get on the subway I look down my nose at the sheeple around me, brains rotting as the stations fly by. I’m shaking my head in disbelief the whole time.
No offense. But I’m tucking into chapter 103 of Larry McMurtry’s epic magnum opus Lonesome Dove and you’re waiting til we pull up to 14th street so you can load a Dalton Knecht hoops edit set to “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton. WE ARE NOT THE SAME.
I’m just chuckle quietly to myself, content with the knowledge that my brain is functioning at a much higher frequency than every single person on my train.
#WhenTheBookSoGoodYouMissYourStation. #Vibes. #Booktok.
I learned how the fuck vinyl is made
I have to be honest. Before Brick, this felt like none of my business. It fell into the category of bridge construction, meteorology, and dry shampoo.
But listen: once I scanned my phone into “morning focus (sports allowed)” it all became super, super clear to me. It’s not that complicated, actually. I know what “half-speed mastering” is. I definitely know the difference between a 33 and a 45, so don’t even assume I don’t.
I lowkey want to tell you all how vinyl is made, but I feel like it’s gonna be easier for you to watch an anthropomorphic AI garlic spread itself onto toast. The process is pretty fascinating honestly. I wish I could tell you about it. But I shouldn’t.
Honestly, I feel sorry for the rest of you. I bet you’re reading this on your phone right now. Me? I’m ass deep in my Ingmar Bergman Box Set.
I’m not even watching the good ones anymore. Buddy, I did the Faith Trilogy years ago.
Awww, you’re watching Persona? That’s soo cute. Enjoy it. It’s basically like, in my opinion, a movie about psychology for babies. But seriously—enjoy! 😊
While you make adorable observations like “omg! this is kinda like The Substance!!” I’m loading my Thirst blu-ray into the player at 9:30am. I’m turning the subtitles off. I’m just kinda gleaning what I can from the Swedish dialogue. It’s not a lot. But I can feel my brain throbbing inside my skull as it grows larger and larger.
Oh. Also I know how to clean and service wrist watches.
yeah…so I take ‘em apart and clean ‘em and put ‘em back together. It’s all in a days work for a guy like me. If you have a wrist watch that needs servicing and/or cleaning you can just trust me to help you. I even have one of those rooms in my apartment now where there’s no dust so the particles can’t infiltrate the watch.
So, basically, yup! I’m better than you in most every way now!
My life is richer, my synapses fire for much sicker things than yours do, and when I pass people on the street they do a sorta double take like Jim Carrey in that “I’ve Got the Power Sequence” in Bruce Almighty
But listen. I’m not trying to sound elitist or whatever. I actually want you to Brick Thyself. I want you, too, to feel like your brain has this fresh linen/detergent scent to it. (This would make sense to you if you were Brickheed Martin’d).
Through Brick All Things Are Possible. There’s room enough for you at the Table of the Brick. Brick Transit Gloria.
Send me a missive when you buy your Brick. Obviously don’t text me because I don’t really “get those” anymore. My DMs (da-real mailbox!) are open, so you can reach me there. I wanna hear what you accomplished after a few bebricked weeks.
Nabeel’s Footnote
[placeholder text for Nabeel’s footnote while he currently gets screwed by having a flight canceled leaving him stranded at Davos trapped in a snowed in cabin with Mark Carney and who knows what will happen 👀]
Ritam’s Footnote
Čovek je potpuno naučio ćirilicu da bi mogao da komunicira u Srbiji, očigledno nesvestan da je ćirilica formalnije i uzvišenije pismo u tom društvu. S kim komunicira, diplomatama i sranjima? Ja sam naučio Gajevu latinicu jer sam čovek iz naroda, normalan stil. Prilazim slučajnim ljudima i pitam ih „Gde je King’s Landing“ i dvoumim se kada kažu „to je u Hrvatskoj, brate“, a ja odgovaram „zar ovo nije Jugoslavija?“
Very much enjoyed this. Feeling inspired. I would text you to tell you but now I know you wouldn’t see it 🥀
Wow, the part about choosing 'girlfriend' versus 'partner' for the opener really stood out to me; that linguistic double-blind is truely so relatable.