Salad Arbitrage

I've Hacked The New York Restaurant Scene

I was recently on a walk in New York City, when I came upon a restaurant menu. My eyes were instantly drawn to the following item.

My mind was awhir. A “little gem” in a salad for only $14? Did the restaurant owners not understand that “gems” aka gemstones aka precious stones, can actually fetch thousands, if not millions of dollars?

I began to develop a plan to order the salad en masse and sell the gems for a handsome profit. Step one was to identify other restaurants with similar “small plates.”

Wow. I was amazed at the number of restaurants that had made the same error. I began to build my list of targets, but I ran out of .3mm lead for my mechanical pencil.

I went to the store to buy more, but they said they were out of carbon due to a global proton shortage. While at the store, I saw a pack of 5 gum at the cashier. I attempted to buy it, and the cashier told me “Oh, you’re buying 5 gum? I would think you’d just need 1.”

I then proceeded to go home and think about his comment for the rest of my life. Having forgotten my original mission due to my low attention span, I began researching grad programs that would accept uninteresting people.

I was able to find a Master’s Program in Data Analytics at the University of Kentucky Online, and I promptly enrolled.

I was nervous for my first day, but I knew that college was an opportunity to meet new people, and I resolved to keep an open mind.

As I arrived at school, I remembered my original plan, now months in the past—the plan of buying up the gems and reselling them for crazy prices. It seemed like a lot of work, and I was kind of already here, so I decided to just sort of act like I’d done it, and talk about it like I’d had the idea and that was all that was really required.

Many years later, as I faced the firing squad, I was to remember that distant afternoon when my father took me to discover ice.

Nabeel’s Footnote

So many menus at cool new buzzy restaurants are designed like that now, that blue one. Even that font…