Routine Maintenance

My day

The clouds that had fallen over my mind have parted. My days have lost their languor and taken on a new sense of purpose. My actions now are clear, driven, sharp, and efficient. I am, in essence, a new man—stronger, faster, better, cleaner, wiser, happier, calmer. How did I achieve these results? And more importantly—how did I achieve them so quickly?

Simple. The tried and tested solution has been elevated by the wise since time immemorial: A daily routine that nourishes both body and mind. Here, I shall outline how I begin my days and how I end them. I only hope that the advice I give brings you the clarity and peace that I now feel suffuses my days.

Morning Routine

Step 1: Do 50,000 Kegels

here is a handy guide i found online

The first thing you should do as you wake up and lie in bed is 50,000 kegels. You can do this without actually getting up! The efficiency and convenience of being able to do these from the moment you wake up is truly unbeatable, and I’ve found that this is the best way to start my mornings.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Who has the time, in our modern age, full of screens and doodads and gizmos, to lie in bed and do 50,000 kegels? The trick here is to go screenless, stopping only to write your biweekly Substack post. Leave behind the trappings of the material world. Become one with the movement, one with the exercise. Though the rest of your body may atrophy, your bedsores may continue to grow, and your friends and family may abandon you, you’ll feel nothing. Just the bliss of the motion: Shorten the penis. Stop the flow. Tighten the anus. Shorten the penis. Stop the flow. Tighten the anus. Shorten the penis. Stop the flow. Tighten the anus. Shorten. Stop. Tighten.

Eventually, you’ll start to play with the steps. Maybe you’ll shorten the anus. Maybe you’ll tighten the penis. These are the wanderings of a childish mind. Focus. Repeat. Do not let yourself stray. These are the learnings that I bring to you. Do not make the mistakes I have made. Soon, your pelvic floor will be absolutely yoked. I’m talking gargantuan here—if you want, you’ll be able to bounce on your pelvic floor like a children’s hopper ball toy. Remember: the first 47,548 are the hardest, and the rest is pretty smooth sailing.

Once you’ve finished your kegels, it’s normally time for your

Nighttime Routine

Step 1: Get snuggly!

Awww. Get all nice and cosy and snuggle deep into bed. Smack your lips around a bit to confirm your comfort. Hug your blanket or a pillow if you need. I want you to get nice and cosy and warm and comfy and warm and cuddly and snuggly and safe and snuggly. Listen to some Lullatone:

Step 2: Fall asleep

I know what you’re thinking: duh doi. You’re right!

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I hope developing a routine helps you as much as it’s helped me. Discipline, commitment, and sticking to something will pay dividends for your future. Keep your eye on the ball, kiddo.

Nabeel’s Footnote

So fitting…reading this as I’m in Wegmans and they’re playing Sia’s “Wild Ones”…here’s to the wild ones, indeed, brother.