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In the two weeks since releasing our podcast, I've come to some unexpected conclusions
I hesitate to write today, friends. I hesitate. That’s for damn sure. And as someone who has never hesitated to put pen to paper, to channel the divine spirit of pure creation that courses through his inimitable veins (strong), has never even once thought to censor his own immaculate opinions? I feel unmoored.
You see, there’s no higher calling in this world than Creating Content. There’s literally nothing any of you subscribers do that is more useful than this. I don’t give a fuck if you work in emergency medicine or housing justice or whatever the fuck—don’t talk on my name if you’ve never Created Content. And because what I do is such a morally serious profession—one that will leave even the best of us drowning, gasping for air—I hold myself to the highest standards. I only Create Content that passed my rigorous benchmarks of quality.
A couple of weeks ago, we released the first episode of our podcast. I put hours—nay, weeks!—into crafting that specific auditory experience for you all. Every millisecond you heard was pored over hundreds of times. I feel proud of it, ultimately, because it is the most honest distillation of our raw talents and collective intellect.
But when you devote your life to something as noble as this, and when you release your beloved bird into the wild air, it’s no longer yours anymore; it belongs to the world. And in our case? The world is this viper’s den of Low Lift Ask subscribers, this lawless, perverted pit of freaks and nasty sickos. Every one of you is a disgusting and horny freakfuck, trying to figure out where we live and who our friends are and what kind of restaurants we frequent because you’ve developed a parasocial relationship with your new favorite podcast hosts.
After releasing episode one of AskCast, I ran out of ideas for the rest of the show, so I sent out a call for questions for a mailbag episode. Here are some of the responses we’ve received in the days following my request:
“Hey! Loved the first ep, and can totally see myself committing this to my podcast rotation longterm. You guys rule! Quick question: what was the address of that bar you mentioned lol? My gf and I live in around the same area as you (I think?) and just thought it sounded good. Let me know if you ever want to hang!” - David Freling, 43, London
“What’s your address?” - anonymous, 29, Syracuse
“Where do you live?” - Maya Dalack, 26, Tri-State Area
“Yooooo thanks so much for letting us get in touch with you! What’s your personal email? Have a couple things I want to show you. Other than that, I can’t think of another question for the AMA episode.” - Nick Serra, 27, Metro Detroit
“Yoooo got an idea for tomorrow?” - Ritam Mehta, 27, Global Citizen
“Hey—thanks so much for opening up this super important conversation on the first episode. We need more people like you guys talking about things that people are uncomfortable with. Speaking of which…Ritam I saw on your instagram that you work at the Park Slope Food Co-op sometimes lol. I go there sometimes lol. Wouldn’t it be so weird if we worked the same shift lmao? It’d be crazy because like I listened to the first episode of AskCast and I generally like the newsletter, so if I saw you in person it would be like meeting an online friend IRL. And I know most things about you, too. DM me we should hang!” - One of these guys who subscribed cause they thought we wrote serious stuff sometimes, 28, Williamsburg
“Can I offer you guys a job? God it’s so refreshing to hear dissident voices like yours. I want to offer you a job. Send me SSN + click on this Netflix link your acct has been compromised” - Hasan Minhaj, 37, India
“Can you tell me where you live? I heard your voice on the podcast and now I like to imagine you walking the same streets I have. I need to know where you live lol! Tell me now! Tell me” - Dua Lipa, 27, Kosovo
After much deliberation between the two of us, we’ve decided to end the podcast in its current form. It’s clear to me, now, that I am, in a way, much like J. Robert Oppenheimer. I have developed an all-consuming power that, in the wrong hands (yours), threatens the end of the universe as we know it; I am become death [sic], destroyer of worlds. You guys can’t be trusted with anything.
I’m not sure I’ll ever step in front of a mic again. I honestly need to take a break from the psychological terror you’ve all inflicted on me. I’ve hired bodyguards, former Blackwater employees who were kicked out for being too metal. It’s the least I can do to keep the sicko hounds from pouncing on my livelihood and all that I hold dear.
And so, as a small token of gratitude, maybe some sort of offering to mollify your potentially wounded hearts, here’s the second and final episode of the AskCast. We tried to end things as positively as we can, but listening back on it, you can just tell the energy in the room was off. Have fun, pervs.
All morning, I’ve been saying the first verse of the poem “Jabberwocky” out loud. It’s become this weird verbal tic today. Cannot stop.