Reducing What's Happening

To Make It More Manageable

I just heard about this insane idea—the idea that the internet, and modernity in general, and capitalism, have come together in some sort of back room shadowy cabal deal and decided that “everything should happen at once, all at the same time, and y’all, it is exhausting.” Well, I don’t hold much truck with this philosophy, so I’ve decided to simplify and reduce the current set of events happening in the world into one understandable, easily digestible story.

Consider the following:

• RFK Jr. and Olivia Nuzzi Sexting

• “Hot Nanny” discourse

• Roni Sagi and Rhythm

• “Do straight men and gay women have the same type of attraction to women” discourse

• Moo Deng

I’ll be running these stories through a complex algorithm in order to reduce them into one story that I’ll tell you guys, desperate as you are for me to interpret the events of the day.

Running.

Running.

ding

Moo Deng is Sexting RFK Jr.

Huh. That can’t be right. That ignores most of the stories happening. Let me try again.

Running.

Running.

Running.

ding

RFK Jr. is Sexting Moo Deng

Now that’s more like it!

Well, here are the receipts, taken straight from RFK Jr’s phone:

Nabeel’s Footnote

Wtf is “Roni Sagi and Rhythm”