Here are three people who I think, based purely on optics, have perfect lives: Mickey Down, Konrad Kay, and Andy Samberg.
Two of these guys get to do sponsored interviews with Drake’s and are paid to make the coolest show on TV, and the other guy is famous for being stupid and funny in the objectively right way. I also think any of the three of them could go grocery shopping without hordes of people ruining their day. That’s what I want.
The only other best path for life I can think of is professional food critic. One of the OGs, Robert Sietsema, my DAWG, has been on Substack for a while after years of toiling away on Eater.
This ^ is genuinely my ideal day. I literally can’t think of anything better than doing that, and then going to see a movie at Film Forum by myself.
So let me preface this all by saying: Robert, I am a huge fan, but please. Put the iPhone camera away.
There’s a quote from a recent Michael B. Jordan profile in which Denzel tells him, referring to celebrity overexposure on social media, “Why would they pay to see you on a weekend if they see you all week for free?” This is how I feel about many things. Let’s all preserve the mystique a bit more. Mr. Sietsema (we’ve never met, huge fan, genuinely), maybe let’s let a professional with a camera take the photos for your food reviews.
This literally looks like fucking ass. It looks so bad. I know it probably tastes good (sauce heavy af) but the mozzarella globules make me want to vomit. I do not think I will be going to “Da Michele.”
I’m loving the vulnerability, yes. Soft masculinity, for sure. But also—the little bits of shredded wheat, moistened and made soft by milk, clinging to the side of the bowl and the spoon—yucky!!!!! Yuck!
It’s not every time, though. Every once in a while, my man Rob will take a fire pic:
But most of the time, it’s stuff like this.
To a certain extent, this is simply a testament to the futility of the iPhone camera: it is a vastly frustrating experience. Most food looks like pure ass when you take a picture of it with your phone.
This is legit a photo I took a month ago. On Eid, June 6. This was taken with an iPhone in 2025. Probably 80% user competence, 20% device here, but still. Maybe I’m being too harsh on the king.
But then you see something like this. Genuinely an insane picture to put out there. Why bro. Why.
This is crazy, too. Bare samosa on the wooden bench. Come on, man….
Maybe there’s something beautiful about this I’m not considering. The frank honesty of cataloguing food that looks like shit but probably tastes good. Objective, clear-eyed reportage. We could use some more of that…
And then you see something like this. Maybe it’s just Indian food. I think it could just be that Indian food photographs like shit.
Indian food. It looks bad, I guess. Indian food is where we landed on this one. Alright.
Ritam’s Footnote
Went to a restaurant recently where they put popcorn on the pasta. Looks like puke. But it tasted amazing.
That popcorn thing is horrifying