Paramount is crushing it with Tulsa [sic] Kings
2026 is moving different for me idk
Yo I just thought of something? Protecting your mind—your attention, that is—is all we have left? The mind is the only private space left in the world, lowkey—and when I follow that thought to its next logical conclusion, I just have to concede that the only decisions we truly have freedom over now are what we do with our time? And that maybe 2026—imagine this—could be the year of being performatively offline? And that being on your phone will be a low-class signifier, while being in touch with the world and unaffected by slop will be representative of aesthetic supremacy?? It’s honestly nuts no one else is saying this. I Just thought of that….unbidden……#TheRestIsStillUnbidden
The other day, on Delta’s premier MadHappy sweatshirt-sponsored daily flight, JFK - LAX, during a violently turbulent stretch over the Rockies, I decided to access my downloaded podcast episodes on Spotify. I reached for the most recent episode of Katie Miller’s (Stephen Miller’s wife) podcast featuring my GOAT Kash Patel and his girlfriend, Alexis Wilkins. As irregular pockets of air battered the hull of my Boeing 767, as I chanted Arabic under my breath and gripped the armrests, as the Polymarket graph of my imminent (honestly insane that “immanent” is also a word…) death ticked slightly upward—I had decided to listen, unironically, to three of the worst people on the planet.
36,000 feet in the air, sans WiFi, with nothing but my inherent curiosity in life to guide me into what to do next (I had already finished my book)—and where I settled was scrubbing through to finding out “How Kash and Alexis Handle Personal Attacks.” The Fun Facts section at the end wasn’t even good enough for me to relay anything interesting here. That’s how disappointing it all was. I guess I can break the news here that Kash Patel thinks “Paramount is crushing it with Tulsa [sic] Kings.” Let’s get aggregated, team. Let’s do it.
Kash Patel thinks “Paramount is crushing it with Tulsa [sic] Kings.” #AggregateUs #GetUsAggregated #AGGREGATE
That was a lightbulb moment for the boy. Turbulence would’ve taken me down, for good, and the last thing I would’ve heard was Alexis Wilkins vehemently deny being a Mossad agent. It made me realize I need to change some things.
I commit to this: I refuse to do anything that inconveniences me and serves our readers positively in 2026, up to and including ingesting any information about the world that might produce a funny or interesting idea for this newsletter 🔥🔥
I solemnly swear to get up to no good, but only without the presence of a single phone or camera or microprocessor honestly, because my brain is too important to preserve now that I’ve just realized all the harm that being on the internet is doing to me. I just realized it. No one else was thinking about it before but now that I just came up with that idea I think it’s important that we recognize it.
Imagine I become so fucking detached and cool that I walk past these restaurants and don’t even think to take pictures of them:
I’m asking you to imagine such a mind because that’s what we can achieve, collectively, if you all afford me this grace. It’s your fault, actually. The ceiling of this newsletter is in the stratosphere, now that I think about it. Imagine Ritam is constantly on his phone and developing ADHD and writing about low-class stuff—lower than a dog—and imagine I’m writing about stuff like Philosophy of Mind and Metaphysics (learned those words from my old roommate who teaches Philosophy).
And that’s a picture wrap on Nabeel in 2025. #PictureWrap #FilmingTerms #JayKelly
Ritam’s Footnote
#544 - 6/10
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Didn’t do great today. Missed some obvious ones. Anyone get 10?