You gotta read this post, it'll change your life
Look, I’ll be honest upfront: I’m holding a few L’s right now. The Warriors lost last night, my nubile body has waged war against the dreaded “COVID” this week, and I still have not seen Top Gun: Maverick in the largest screen imaginable outfitted with Dolby Atmos Surround Sound. Needless to say I’m in a volatile emotional state. If the NBA Finals don’t go a certain way on Sunday and the Lincoln Square AMC IMAX screen decides to switch all their screenings to Jurassic World: It’s Pratt Time before I test negative on my Abbott BinaxNOW at-home tests? It might be, again, another month before you hear from me.
Which means I should leave you all with something, just in case. A little care package of goods by which to remember me should things go south for a bit. I’ve spent the past three years (few hours) developing a new language for everyone here. Please use these phrases judiciously; they carry much power and sexual weight. God only knows what would happen if you went too brazy with it.
Ex: “Yo…the boys and I are trying to get distracted tonight, you down?”
This one is self-explanatory. I came up with it a couple months ago and it sounded tight. It might honestly be more fun for the morning after—i.e., “Dude, we got distracted last night.” The soft rule for most of these is to imagine saying them in a cool British accent, Riz-Ahmed type.
“That’s fiction, mate” or “That’s non-fiction”
Ex: “You’re telling me the Warriors lost even after they unleashed a patented third quarter barrage, outscoring the Celtics by 14? That’s fiction, bruv.”
I think I got this one from the Dean character on Stath. Pretty cool, right? Again, imagine a sick British guy saying all this shit.
“Going night mode”
Ex: “Hey, man—pretty tired, so I’m gonna go night mode.”; “Honey, can you put the kids down for night mode?”; “This epic fourth-quarter collapse from the Dubs is making it hard for me to go night mode…wish you could come over fr haha”
This means to go to sleep. It’s kind of a joke about when you switch your phone or various apps to Night Mode.
Ex: “Yo, I’m lobbying for an omakase dinner at Taikun for my birthday next week.”; “I’m lobbying to turn into the Joker if the Warriors lose Game 2.”
I actually don’t think this is that far off from the generally agreed upon definition of the word, but it sounds dope to me. Use a long, California “O.”
"Doc Rivers af” or “Banderas”
Ex: “Doc Rivers af”; “Banderas af!!!!”
Shorthand so you don’t have to go into your GIF keyboard and find the respective Doc Rivers or Antonio Banderas GIFs. Could also work for the Jack Nicholson one.
“The [insert proper noun] shits”
Ex: “You free tonight?” “Nah anniversary shits”; “Want to watch the game? Plug Uglies shits?” “Can’t. Covid shits.” “Warriors epic collapse shits.”
This actually isn’t new. To any of the boys reading this: I’m giving it away. This is pure, uncut PAUSD slang. Feel free to take it in any direction you want.
Ex: “Drinks are liquid vibes.”
I don’t know. I just wrote that. I’m sick over this loss. What do you all want from me?
Ex: “¡Ay guey, míjo! Qué pasó con Los Warriors?”
Just came up with this! If you guys haven’t been already, check out Mexico. Hella cool place I discovered earlier this year.
[Use your imagination here, team. My man is hard at work.]