Nabeel's Guys

The quirked up white boys who changed my life, sexual style

Last weekend, in a self-imposed exile, due to an idiotic COVID scare, of which I am still convinced there was no actual COVID, and which also sent the Spotify stock price into a tailspin because of my possible infection, definitely, I watched a great movie. It’s called Boiling Point, and it stars Stephen Graham.

Stephen Graham is one of My Guys. Absolute legend. Here’s a running list of My Guys, which I will come back to when I cannot think of something and then add to:

Matt Damon

Let’s get the obvious one out of the way. You guys have been around the block. You know what’s up here. Matty Ice is the GOAT, now flush with bitcoin and smoky gray hair. The king of having a hateable face until he flashes that million-dollar smile at you… Imagine The Social Network but with him and Ben Affleck; that would be tight.

Beyond what we already know about him—that he grew up down the street from Howard Zinn, he lives in a sweet pad in Brooklyn Heights—did you all know that during a recent Marc Maron episode, he said he knew “Nabeel and those guys,” proprietors of the Middle East Bar in Cambridge? Meaning he knows how to pronounce my name?

Goated Matt Damon: Good Will Hunting, Rounders, Talented Mr. Ripley, Rainmaker, Ocean’s Twelve, Bourne Supremacy, The Informant!, The Last Duel, Crypto.com ad, 30 Rock

Jude Law

The prettiest man alive! Can you believe I love The Talented Mr. Ripley? This is a man who has coasted on being preternaturally good-looking, having the weirdest fluctuating hairline on the planet, and being a God amongst us little boys. I mean, look at him.

Goated Jude Law: Ripley, The Holiday, Gattaca, Sherlock Holmes, Anna Karenina, Black Sea, Spy, The Nest, The Young Pope + The New Pope

Stephen Graham

Close readers of this newsletter may know that this was coming. Stephen Graham fucking rules. The Scouse accent, his 5’ 5” stature, how cool he looks holding a cigar—this man could carry any movie, but he doesn’t need to. Once you see his face, you know you can settle in for a good time.

Goated Stephen Graham: Snatch, This is England, Yardie, Public Enemies, Boardwalk Empire, Line of Duty, The Irishman

Bill Camp

They say my man rules the stage, but this is a face for screens. This is a face that alternates between hangdog world-weariness (The Night Of) and pure menace (Molly’s Game). His face is nothing special until it is. All of his appearances are goated because it’s Bill Camp—the guy arguably played God on The Leftovers, and he made a detective named “Dennis Box” one of the most compelling characters on the show.

Tom Wilkinson

This is actually a pretty funny scene, in retrospect. It’s the kind of scene commenters on YouTube will proclaim the greatest character acting of all time, even if it is maybe two steps away from Jared Leto in House of Gucci.

But why does it stick…you know why…Tom mf’in Wilkinson. The Man With The Baguettes. Tell me you don’t dig this guy.

Goated Tom Wilkinson: RockNRolla, Sense and Sensibility, Michael Clayton

Walton Goggins

The Righteous Gemstones is one of the two funniest things on TV right now, and that’s because of two people: Edi Patterson and Goggins’ Uncle Baby Billy. His ruthless line reads could carry a show on its own— “Go outside, nerd.”—which you could say he did as Boyd Crowder on Justified. There’s no one better at being funny and lovable while having a face that looks insanely racist.

Goated Goggins: The Righteous Gemstones, Justified, The Hateful Eight, Vice Principals

Scoot McNairy

Come on, now—you knew this was coming. You couldn’t have read the rest of this list and not expected Scoot somewhere in here.

Goated Scoot: Killing Them Softly, Black Sea, True Detective, Monsters

Tom Hollander

The British Scoot McNairy, as some would say. You may remember him as the sneering little shit from Pirates of the Caribbean, or the sneering little shit In The Loop, or the sneering little shit from The Night Manager. All goated.

Goated Hollander: Gosford Park, Pirates, In the Loop, The Night Manager, Hanna

Enrico Colantoni

Maybe this time it’ll work—anyone here watched Person of Interest? That show fucks. Check it out if you happen to test positive for COVID. This guy slaps.

Goated Colantoni: every TV show you’ve ever seen.

One day I’ll remember more, and then you’ll get another email full of this shit. If anyone from Dua Lipa’s camp is reading, I’m available to list off seven dudes for the next Service95 issue. Here’s to the crazy ass white boys…maybe they’re not so bad after all…

Ritam’s Footnote

Hm, interesting picks. Well, here are some of the qu*rked up white boys GWTS that can Bust It down SS for me…..

Gilgamesh

If you’re an Enkidu stan you’re out of the chat…

Antonie Van Leeuwenhoek

Inventor of the micropenis…

Jonas Salk

Inventor of the anti-vaxxer…

Joe Manchin

what can I say? the heart wants what it wants