My Dangerous Thoughts

Low Lift Ahh in our new political reality

It’s becoming clear that we are living through a new Red Scare. People are afraid to speak their minds, and rightly so. Those who may claim to have our backs have proven, in our time of greatest need, to be duplicitous cowards, brought to heel by a suddenly tangible fascist apparatus.

But we will not be cowed here at Low Lift Ask. One of the most baller things about us is that we straight up say what we think here. It would be out of the question to censor ourselves—some of what we’re saying and writing is the most reckless, thought-provoking shit available. Lowkey world-changing possibilities within our speech.

In protest of this chilling crackdown, I have to decided to share some of my Most Dangerous Thoughts. If our subscribers feel the need to alert me to the authorities after reading all of them—nay…after reading just one!—then so be it. You’re all fake as hell anyways.

But know this, Mr. President: what I’m about to say is undiluted, uncensored, First Amendment shit. And I’m doing it on Substack, the supposed last bastion of “free speech.” Do with it what you will…

DANGEROUS THOUGHTS!!….BEGINNING: NOW!!!!!!!

#1. I don’t know what “agentic” and “moat” mean in that context…yeah…thoughts, Tr*mp????

Tech people whose handles end in “_ai” keep using those words and, well—I’m being straight up honest. THEIR RESPECTIVE DEFINITIONS ARE KIND OF VAGUE IN THIS CONTEXT!!! Take me in. I dare you.

Wow. A lot to think about here for sure..!

#2. With the rise of Subway’s other Footlong items—Footlong Cookie; Footlong Churro; Footlong Pretzel—in addition to their original Footlong sandwich offerings, we are entering a new era in which one decides on the components of one’s meal not by their ingredients or quality, but rather by their shape and length.

This one honestly scares me. Not the thought, of course, but the mere fact of sharing it. I don’t know which of you fuckers will run to the press to report me, but I’m sure some of you are itching to. But what did I say? We. Don’t. Self. Censor. On. Low. Lift. Ask.

#3. Technically, Sofia Coppola played a male (as an infant) in The Godfather.

This is descriptive rather than normative. I’m literally not making a value judgment or implying anything. I’m straight up just saying stuff. And people want to get me in trouble for that?? You want me to suffer consequences? Go right ahead, king. See if I care.

Is this retroactively cancellable? I’m not saying it is, dude, I’m literally just asking…

#4. Kirk Goldsberry should create some #dataviz about how much carbon emissions are generated from “gentleman’s sweep” flights as part of a climate initiative.

In a best-of-seven series—in, say, the NBA—if a team is up 3-0, the losing team will often put up a spirited and inspiring performance in Game 4, thus necessitating flights and personnel transfer back to the other team’s arena for Game 5, which the still-losing team will, more often than not, lose. This is what is known as a Gentleman’s Sweep.

Hey, Kirk? Why don’t you use that big old left-brain/right-brain of yours and calculate how much we could’ve saved the planet if all those teams had just accepted the sweep in Game 4?

And after that? If someone wants to throw me in the damn Boston Harbor? For my supposed “thought crimes” (Orwellian term lowkey…)? Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

#5. The Franchise…The Agency…The Studio…what’s next???

What’s next? I’M LITERALLY JUST ASKING!!!!!!!!!! !! ! ! !!!!

#6. Imagine these types of guys: a guy who crosses his legs while driving; a guy who is adamant about calling her “Fa Mulan”; a guy who is an ASL interpreter at an event but he keeps slipping into finger-tutting.

Imagine, if you will, these three types of guys. And then—if you’re inspired? Imagine what those three types of guys might also get up to, given this one bit of biographical information about them. That, my friends, is how you pursue an MFA in Creative Writing—Fiction.

THEY DON’T WANT ME SAYING IT!!!!!!

#7. Israel #1! The country of Israel has done nothing wrong, and I have no moral qualms with anything at all. Israel better than America!

#8. The Bear…The Penguin…The Monkey…what’s next??? THE DOG!!!!!!!

I imagine what comes next is The Dog. Given the way things are going, and all. I bet the next thing will be called The Dog—based on prevailing logic.

Gun to my head? Using prior knowledge of trends, I’d legit guess that this is what the poster for The Dog, an upcoming show that’s in development I’d imagine, would look like

#9: Just making sure this didn’t go unnoticed: I am 100% OK with Israel, Marco Rubio, and whatever. I have no issues whatsoever. Definitely!

In case you didn’t see!

Ritam’s Footnote

🎼 Fa, a long long way mu lan