Misseddog Connectionaire

Just Checking

Hey, new to this Craiglist thing. Y’all, is it just me or does Craiglist need a bit of a website refresh? I mean, talk about a site that’s not operating off of modern UI design principles. No Tinder-style cards to swipe, no animated forms. Uh oh, am I showing my whole ass as a locked-in technical founder at Mogo? Yup, that’s me—a founder at Mogo. We’re kind of seeking to democratize and increase access to really volatile commodity markets—just thought that would be a good way to make the world a better place, of course. BTW we’re looking for high-IQ operators that are willing to let us be fully founder mode, if that’s something you’d be interested in.

Anyway, I’m here because honestly, the SF dating scene is total shit. Everyone is the same—founder at fintech company, addicted to Curtis Yarvin X posts, reading Seeing Like A State, subscribes to 127 Substacks they don’t read, lowkey crushing on Jasmine Sun, reads Bookbear in order to “feel soft.” I’m different though—because I went to the Dev Patel Lookalike Competition in Dolores Park, and I saw you there. And I think you changed my life.

So who are you? Well, you’re one of the competitors. I noticed your dusky skin, your chocolate complexion, your coconut oiled hair with a characteristic South Indian sheen. I noticed that you didn’t look much like Dev Patel. I noticed your dripped out swag and your harsh rizz king voice. I noticed that you’re from Fremont and were dapping your boys up after you went up and said “Yo I just heard about this from Arvind, shout out to Arvind.” I guess to me, you stood out because it seemed like you “got it,” that you were like me. As I reflect on a city hollowed out by rapacious VC interests, its homegrown culture, cuisine, and pride replaced with craven boba Indian (“dosa Indian”?) thought leader events on “Luma,” I sense that you feel the same way as I do—vague discomfort but ultimate acceptance. And this makes me want you.

I saw in your eyes the clawing desperation that I too feel. I remember that feeling, of landing at an elite university and realizing that there were new, higher status ways of having fun. Ways of being light and funny that came so easily to people raised in light, funny environments. Not in my not-really-but-I-claim-it-was-and-it-was-in-soft-but-not-explicit-ways-and-maybe-not-by-any-real-dictionary-definition-but-just-based-on-conflicting-cultural-norms-and-really-more-just-vibes “abusive” Indian immigrant household. As the eldest daughter, I’ve learned from Instagram graphics that I was expected to give so much. I never learned about the ways that people have figured out to “actually be funny,” so I’ve had to fake it, as I realized it confers upon you social status that you can’t earn in other ways.

A few years ago, I learned about this amazing idea, called “doing a bit,” which I’ve taken to mean “just sort of doing something random, which is funny in its randomness.” “Committing to the bit” means putting a lot of effort and money into the random thing you do. Ideally, you have no real connection to the randomness, which makes it even funnier how random it is. I’m thinking about stuff like putting a sticker of Guy Fieri (so funny) on your laptop, or maybe having a Nic Cage movie marathon. And of course, the best part of doing bits is that people react to you like you’re funny, which is such an amazing high. And yeah, seeing you up on that Dev Patel stage, realizing you said “f*ck it, I’m gonna just do it for the lulz,” yeah… that’s sexy to me.

And it looked to me like you felt the same way I do about second-generation Indian events in general—that they’re full of extremely horny guys, mega earnest, joking in ways that pander to the sensibilities and experiences of the well-educated upper-middle-class Hindu, dumbed down to appeal to the software-engineering-addled mind of the financially-pressured child, more or less substance free (though not in the literal sense), politically useless, and trying so hard to replicate the ease of how white people seem to just be able to do stuff that feels right and makes them famous. But isn’t that the way for us to grow as a culturally productive population? Don’t we always learn from imitating? Shouldn’t we try to mimic form and just backfill the substance? We don’t exactly have our best and brightest in the American cultural sphere; the smartest of us are pushed to get high tier jobs at the NIH—it’s the burnouts that go into acting, writing, or that lowest of arts—comedy. The other ethnicities are sending their brains into culture. We keep ours far away. I can tell from seeing you, yearning for you, that you have the vibe of someone would agree with me.

From one glimpse into your beautiful dark eyes, I was able to glean these insights. Imagine what we could do with a lifetime together. Hey, shit, I just got $4000 from the Beyond Meat settlement. Being pure veg paid off. Please reply to this missed connections; I’ll fund a first-date trip to Cancun. Submit. Hit submit button to Craiglist. Hmm, typing it seems to not be working. Wonder if I actually have to click the bu—

Nabeel’s Footnote

Dev Patel lookalike competition in Gujarat. Send it back!