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The New HyperOptimization
Men are voracious creatures. Our appetites, for gold, for glory, for power, for blood, have shaped the the modern world, creating a dehumanizing machine that runs on the sweat and exertion of billions of poor people and spits out tchotchkes. Our greed knows no bounds; what we want, we shall have, and at great expense. But there are a few of us who have decided to lust after more… untraditional rewards. Those of us with these… unnatural proclivities scurry about in the shadows, forever distrustful of the light, our shame animating furtive, secretive motions. I speak, of course, of men like me, men who are driven by the promise of Robe Time.
Robe Time FAQ
What is Robe Time?
Robe Time is exactly what it sounds like: time spent in a big giant robe.
Do you wear clothes under the robe?
Yes, normally. Sometimes I’ll go shirtless with the robe if it’s a special occasion (I’m home alone). But I will normally wear sweatpants so my legs don’t get cold.
What do you do while you’re in the robe?
Sometimes I cook. Sometimes I watch movies with old British people in them. Sometimes I doze on the couch, jerking awake to the dulcet tones of Bender from Futurama. Sometimes I read—good books, important books, like Knausgaard, and Redwall.
What’s up with the robe?
It’s just a big, giant robe, and it’s sort of weighted, so it’s very comfortable, and it’s really warm.
How long have you felt this way about Robe Time?
About a week, maybe a little more.
So since Daylight Savings Time ended and it started getting dark at what feels like 1pm?
Huh, yeah. I hadn’t even thought of that.
How much Robe Time are you spending on the couch?
I’d say about 70% of Robe Time is spent on the couch. I keep the robe in my room, so when I put the robe on, I’ll normally flop onto my bed and scroll on my phone for a while. Then I’ll remember that I actually wanted to flop on the couch and scroll through Criterion for a while before eventually deciding to watch something way dumber called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society on Netflix.
Are you sure you’re not watching that movie because Lily James is in it?
How much are you thinking about Robe Time?
Robe Time is at the forefront of my mind pretty much all the time. I measure my workday in “seconds to Robe Time.” While walking down the street, I dream of Robe Time. I say no to plans in the pursuit of Robe. I’m going full Bootstrap Bill on this Robe—I hope to one day meld myself with it and be worn by the next worthy Robe Holder. Oh, what a joy it is to be In Robe.
There’s been a resurgence of Orb discourse recently—people talking about The Orb, worshipping The Orb, pondering The Orb. I’d like to change up some of those letters, add an E, why not. Let’s go all in on Robe. If men wanted Robe Time as much as they want crypto, or whatever, the world would be much more comfortable and lazy. The dream!