Hey, look, I love “unnatural proclivities” as much as the next guy. I am clearly interested in what people do furtively, scurrying from shadow to shadow, etc. This is no secret; in fact I think I’ve made it clear in a number of past newsletter posts. It was with the intention of shedding some light on this heretofore umbrous facet of our lives, that I posed to you, dear readers, a single question last week —
What is your most disgusting secret personal habit?
And thank you to all 38 of you who replied. I won’t be editorializing, I’ll share all of your habits in full, broken down by category and severity, and perhaps juxtaposed with an image to lighten the load on your poor eyeballs as they trudge through this morass of human depravity…
Alright—perhaps depravity is a strong word for it. Most of your answers were honestly pretty tame.
I absolutely love to floss in bed… it’s so comfy
This one is basically a brag. Fuck off!!!
Sometimes I’m lazy enough to just sleep overnight with my contacts in and it doesn’t bother me, much.
The only thing disgusting here is that you don’t have 20/20 vision.
Rewear gym clothes if not too sweaty
This is something everyone does.
i get great joy from plucking a singular dark chin hair that pops up every few weeks
This is a beauty treatment. However compared to the others in this category I’d have to say this is actually the most gross, only because of the joy involved in the pluck.
Lotta booger ones. Let’s run through em.
Pick nose and eat boogie -jordan defelopi
Okay, seems like Jordan didn’t “understand the assignment” 😂
I pick my nose as fuck
Points for phrasing.
I kinda like picking my nose
Eating my boogers, obviously. This better be anonymous.
Damn lol, like even if it wasn’t anonymous you didn’t even fucking admit to doing anything truly nasty. Consider yourself roasted.
Picking my nose every night and flicking the boogers behind my bed frame
Remember the “it’s all natural” joke? That, but it’s about your wall being painted green.
I'll put a booger anywhere
picking my nose
Can’t stop picking my nose
I pick my nose pretty regularly. Is that gross? Not sure. I don't think it is
I like to look at and analyze my shit after pooping
I use my phone’s flash light to help me look at all of my poos.
Interesting twist. Wonder what contours this illuminates…?
Stink up the whole bus with my farts-Michelle gold
MICHELLE!! :O :O :O
Smelling my undies
We all sort of do this, but this is actually gross. I guess it depends on like… why you do it, or how thoroughly. Are you… uhh, buried? Are you burying your face in your undies’ warm bosom and it reminds you of home?
I drink my coffee during my morning shite, but I think some people know that
The acrid, bitter taste of coffee interacting with the pungent, nauseating smell of feces. Delicious!
Eating boogers or diggin in my asscrack
Is this a “category error?” Anyway, “diggin” is actually pretty fuckin gross lol.
Sometimes when I scratch my butt I sniff my finger after
Ooh hoo hoo. Some real funny mfers seem to subscribe to this newsletter, because people were in this form straight up clowning my ass!!! Here are some of the funniest responses, overlaid over images of comedians to indicate how funny they were…
They were!! They were anonymous!!
Hey :( Kind of uncalled for… I put a lot of time and energy into making this newsletter really fun for people each week. It’s sort of my creative endeavor that I put into the world as a Person of Color… My soul, externalized. But hey, I can take a joke, so it’s um - it’s okay. Thanks for submitting something.
WHAT THE FUCK? Who wrote this?? I will fucking kill you!!?? Goddamn, I wish the form weren’t anonymous right now. Whoever wrote this, I will kill you…
This stuff is honestly nasty. Thanks to the people who submitted. Let’s hit it folks
I don't brush my teeth for days at a time
obsessively picking at body acne and the occasional toenail chew
I occasionally clip off small pieces of my toenails and put them in my mouth
Huh. This is common…
picking at my skin on my arms idk how secret it is but i do it
addicted to picking flaky skin and scabs of all kinds
maybe not most disgusting but I absolutely LOVE demolishing a pimple or a blackhead. The guy I’m seeing has a ton of bacne/ chest-ne and we spend a lot of time together just lying down while I pop his pimples. He says he likes it… a win win situation
Very enjoyable read, thank you! Seems as if you’re made for each other. Hey, maybe you can give this next person some advice.
I will always stalk my boyfriend's exes on instagram at least once a month or any person who i have had crush on possible crush/lover/etc
While this is very common it sounds terrible. Sorry you are trapped in a prison of obsession and I hope you can break free!
Attacking ingrown hairs on my own thighs that require me to get into flexible positions
when i have a dry patch of skin on my body for whatever reason, like eczema or not moisturizing enough, i pick at the patch to remove dry skin flakes and then i collect all the flakes and shape them into a little pile on my desk or whatever flat surface i’m near. i spend like 30 seconds admiring the tiny flake pile and all the varying shapes within it and then i throw it away
Thank you for sharing something funny!
I had a period of my life in high school when I was losing a lot of hair. Any time I would muss up my hair maybe 20-30 of them would fall out. I was obviously scared of this (I do not want to go bald) and so I didn’t tell anyone, but one night when I was up late studying I mussed up my hair for like 5 minutes until I had a huge amount of hair just sitting on my desk, and then I collected them all together and scotch taped a bundle together. Then I drew a weird cartoon guy and I taped the hair above his mouth so it looked like he had a mustache, but it was all the real hair from my head.
Okay, I’ll admit it, this was me.
Peeing in my bathroom sink
chokin the chickn on my couch, clotheless
Hope you have roommates!
There is a strong chance Nabeel is asleep after a late night flight and doesn’t have the ability to write one before this goes out. Here’s what I think he’d say: