Letters from the Co-op
I recently joined the Park Slope Food Co-op—I live reasonably close by, the produce is delicious and cheap, and grocery store shifts every six weeks are a fun and active break from the monotony of modern Tech Worker life.
However, I can’t help but feel, each time that I’m there, that I’m being watched. Hundreds of eyes in the sunken faces of middle-aged Park Slope yuppies follow me around the store, making sure that I tear the produce bags off with minimal noise, confirming that I don’t stand too long in front of the kale shelf, verifying that I hand my groceries to the checkout worker in the optimal order, validating that I am of a Different Breed of grocery shopper that deserves to be in their 7th Avenue paradise.
I thought I was just being paranoid, but I’ve recently started to receive letters from co-op leadership that confirm my fears. Here, I’ll share them with you.
Dear Mr. Mehta,
It’s come to our attention that you’ve been buying some of the dumbest and worst produce that doesn’t even go together as a meal. You must be one lousy son of a bitch to purchase some of the stuff you’ve been purchasing, you know? There must be something wrong inside your mind to be purchasing the sorts of things you’re buying. Next time you come here, I’mma need you go sit your white ass down and LISTEN to our groceries, you know? Listen to the beets, the carrots, the parsley and hummus. Let them speak to you. Or are you chicken, you little baby?
Dear Mr. Mehta,
You yeller-bellied coward. You candy-ass weak shit. Did I see that you canceled a shift two days before you had to work it? Did I actually just see that with my own two eyes? Why, if I had the power and strength that I once did as a young man, I’d punch you so hard upside the head that the damn thing would spin on its axis, much like a globe. Or do you not even know what a globe is anymore, due to the advent of Google Maps and its *spits* digital ilk? You make me sick, you fucko. Not even knowing what a damn globe is. Does Rand McNally mean nothing to people anymore? And you know what the best shit ever was? It was the globes with like—the little raised mountains and stuff, that you could feel. I loved that stuff more than life itself. I read on Wikipedia the other day that if The Earth were the size of a pool ball, it would be smoother than a real pool ball, and it made me so upset and angry that I threw my computer across the room, and then I went to Wikipedia and typed in negative one million dollars into the donation box, and sucked that money out of their account. Eat shit, Jimmy Wales. Jimmy Wales? Uhh, more like Jimmy England, Scotland, or Northern Ireland over Wales…
Dear Mr. Mehta,
This is your third and final warning: You cannot keep buying grape leaves unbidden. We cannot repeat this enough—unbidden, you cannot buy grape leaves. Bidden, you can buy them as much as you want. But one must be bidden.
Are you worried about how fast everything is now? Back when I was a young man in the 1860s, Abe was assassinated and Johnson was asked to resign in the span of a few years. In 2022, the two things happen on the same day. Makes one think…
You know ;)
The Co-op has $7 Court Street Grocers sandwiches. What a steal.
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