Hmm. Seems like, perhaps, political violence is on the rise in America. I think Emily Sundberg put it best when she said:
The assassination of Charlie Kirk — who was the face of the Republican party for millions of conservative youth — will force a new generation to reckon with political violence.
Wow. Yes. We have to reckon with the inexorable rise of political violence!!! And that’s why I’m proud to announce: Low Lift Ask is the first Substack to call for an end to assassination. No more! Stop it!!!
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Mrs. Geldenbacher
She is like the meanest teacher ever and gives sooo much unnecessary homework. Like, for example, she gives four math minute worksheets that you have to have your parents time you for EVERY NIGHT. And she does the thing where she collects and grades your notebooks for taking good notes. And she yelled at Jenny F in class for writing SDIYBT on Gordon P’s desk. She made Jenny CRY. And she apparently lives in the spooky house on Maple and yells at kids who come to her door on Halloween and says “You want a Three Musketeers?” and then she chucks a copy of the Alexandre Dumas book at their heads. And she has a NEW BOOK for each kid. A Barnes and Noble edition!! Those don’t come cheap, I assume. So all in all, she’s basically the worst. But you shouldn’t assassinate her 😉, even though everyone would probably be really happy if you did and I bet even her cats would rejoice in merry festivity…
President Coin
Nabeel
Would be such a shame if someone assassinated Nabeel. Then I’d have to write this newsletter every week, which I totally want to—I have so many great and funny ideas, like this one!
Nabeel’s Footnote
President Alma Coin
Ariana Grande’s character in that movie “Don’t Look Up” is Riley Bina
The foundation of a free society is the ability to participate in politics without fear of violence. To lose that is to risk losing everything. Charlie Kirk — and his family — just lost everything. As a country, we came a step closer to losing everything, too.
We’ve been edging closer for some time now. In 2020, a plot to kidnap Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan, was foiled by the F.B.I. In 2021, a mob stormed the Capitol in an effort to overturn the result of the election and pipe bombs were found at the Democratic and the Republican National Committee headquarters. In 2022, a man broke into the home of Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the House at the time, intending to kidnap her. She was absent, but the intruder assaulted her 82-year-old husband, Paul, with a hammer, fracturing his skull. In 2024, President Trump was nearly assassinated. That same year, Brian Thompson, the chief executive of UnitedHealthcare, was murdered.
In 2025, Molotov cocktails were thrown into the home of Gov. Josh Shapiro of Pennsylvania during Passover. Melissa Hortman, the former House speaker of Minnesota, and her husband were murdered, and State Senator John Hoffman and his wife were severely injured by a gunman. And on Wednesday, Kirk, the founder of Turning Point USA, was gunned down during a speech at Utah Valley University.
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