Hmm. Seems like, perhaps, political violence is on the rise in America. I think Emily Sundberg put it best when she said:
The assassination of Charlie Kirk — who was the face of the Republican party for millions of conservative youth — will force a new generation to reckon with political violence.
Wow. Yes. We have to reckon with the inexorable rise of political violence!!! And that’s why I’m proud to announce: Low Lift Ask is the first Substack to call for an end to assassination. No more! Stop it!!!
And specifically, we want to make sure the following people are not assassinated. 😉 Whoops! My emoji got something in its eye!!! Nah, but fr, 😉. If anyone knows a Leon Czolgosz type figure, lmk.
Trum
Mrs. Geldenbacher
She is like the meanest teacher ever and gives sooo much unnecessary homework. Like, for example, she gives four math minute worksheets that you have to have your parents time you for EVERY NIGHT. And she does the thing where she collects and grades your notebooks for taking good notes. And she yelled at Jenny F in class for writing SDIYBT on Gordon P’s desk. She made Jenny CRY. And she apparently lives in the spooky house on Maple and yells at kids who come to her door on Halloween and says “You want a Three Musketeers?” and then she chucks a copy of the Alexandre Dumas book at their heads. And she has a NEW BOOK for each kid. A Barnes and Noble edition!! Those don’t come cheap, I assume. So all in all, she’s basically the worst. But you shouldn’t assassinate her 😉, even though everyone would probably be really happy if you did and I bet even her cats would rejoice in merry festivity…
President Coin
Nabeel
Would be such a shame if someone assassinated Nabeel. Then I’d have to write this newsletter every week, which I totally want to—I have so many great and funny ideas, like this one!
Nabeel’s Footnote
President Alma Coin
Ariana Grande’s character in that movie “Don’t Look Up” is Riley Bina