I'll Watch Any Movie In Theaters
I don't give a fuck
I’ll watch any movie in theaters. I don’t give a fuck. Seriously—try to stop me. I don’t care. I’ll literally watch anything in theaters. The French Dispatch? Sign me up, brother. The Souvenir: Part II? Yes, king! A collection of festival award-winning shorts? Why not!
Big screen, huge sound, give me, please. I don’t care. For real. It doesn’t have to be a CGI explosion-fest with nerve-rattling audio cues…it can be an intimate, exacting drama that mines pathos from the comic absurdity of one family’s Thanksgiving reunion…I genuinely do not give a shit. I’ll watch literally anything in theaters. And I dare you to try and stop me.
Dude. Are you actually trying to stop me right now? Seriously? I already fucking told you, I’ll watch any movie in theaters. I’ll watch them all. I don’t even care if the Metacritic score is inversely proportional to the Rotten Tomatoes score because it got review-bombed by people angry about the diverse racial and LGBTQ representation onscreen. That doesn’t even bother me. I’ll still buy a ticket.
Why are you standing in my way? You can’t just, like, physically stop me. Yoooo 😂😂 someone come get their mans! Someone’s mans is straight up barricading me from the door to this AMC 😂😂😂 I swear to god, I’ll watch a movie here, in theaters, if it’s the last thing I do.
Come on—seriously. Move, dude. Move. Just mo—hah! I’m at the concession stand now, bitch. Try to stop me, I dare you! Try to stop me from watching a movie in theaters! This one has multiple scenes where we see partial nudity—I checked on the IMDB Parents Guide before. And that’s not stopping me from watching it in theaters. Hell, it’s making me want to watch it even more. Partial nudity on the big screen…yes!
OK, yes—I get it. People are still getting COVID. But I want to watch this movie in theaters, please, please? Please will you let me? I already paid at the counter and I don’t think they do refunds. I won’t even buy Buncha Crunch or popcorn so I can leave my mask on the entire time. And I know you and Jessalyn wanted to watch this one, before, well, yeah. But seriously—I don’t care! I’ll watch any movie in theaters! Please just let me watch this one.
Hey, where are you going? You don’t want to watch with me? Alright, fine—go fuck yourself, dude. I’ll watch any movie in theaters. I don’t even care if it’s with you or not.
Come on—are you really going to do this? I told you, she’s—hey! Wait! Where are you going? Now you’re just trying to make me feel bad. And I hate it when you do that. Especially when I’m trying to go see a movie in theaters, cause legit, I honestly don’t give a fuck. I’ll watch any movie in theaters.
Wait, dude—are you going where I think you’re going? Is this why you’re wearing the Kobe jersey? Not the Swagapinos NYC Meetup, man. Please, I told you, she’s not gonna take you back.
Why can’t we just watch the movie and forget about it? That’s why I wanted you to come in the first place. We can see sideboob—and there’s Dolby sound. I seriously will watch any movie in theaters. I don’t even care.
You fucking made lumpia? You were just hiding lumpia in your jacket the whole time? I didn’t know it was a potluck. I thought they’d have it catered or something. There’s actually an abundance of Filipino food around the city now—Robert Sietsema has rounded them all up, per usual!
Look, I really want to be there for you, but I don’t think it’s healthy. Your entire relationship was based on swag. But I don’t think that’s a solid bedrock for love. You can’t build a house on shifting ground, and you can’t build a home on swag. It took time for me to hang up the Kobe IV’s and realize that; I know you can, too.
If you want to come back with me and watch the movie, let’s go right now, because I seriously don’t give a fuck. But if, in your heart of hearts, you need to go to the Swagapinos NYC Meetup for some sense of closure and hearty plate of pancit, then fine. I’ll come with you. But don’t expect me to do this again. It’s only because I love you. And I have all the time in the world to watch a movie in theaters—I don’t give a shit.
Remember when Christopher Nolan went to go see a movie at an AMC theater?
That was dumb. It’s a little surprising that rich and famous people go see movies at the same theaters I do. I think it’s the “first class” effect—I know rich and famous people don’t endure the same airplane experience as me, so why would they go to the same movie theater?
I think movie theaters are like iPhones. There’s no better thing, so all the rich and famous people just do the same thing as you. That’s comforting, I guess, or it’s not, depending on how you see the world. Hm. How we doing this Friday, folks? Anyone watched the “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Weeknd” video yet today? It’s coming!!! Get excited. It would be funny if they renamed the “weekend” to be called “Ally,” there would be a convenient video clip of Alec Baldwin introducing that.