I Would Like To Dispel Certain Notions

And maybe entertain some others?

It’s been a big couple of months for Muslims on TV, everyone. We’ve all been saying it: Muslims are back, in a big way. Muslims are a freaking shmood. We’re all living in our Muslim era! Muslims are HIM.

Netflix also released the first season of Mo, created by and starring Dave Chappelle’s right-hand man, which sent Jimmy Fallon into a tizzy trying not to use the word “Palestine” on national TV. There was a Marvel show called Ms. Marvel that apparently had to do with Muslims but I did not watch. The third season of Ramy premiered on Hulu, with everyone who uses the word “diaspora’s” least favorite comedian diving deeper into his rich tapestry of a hot Egyptian family. Hasan Minhaj’s new special, The King’s Jester, dropped on Netflix, with everyone who uses the word “diaspora’s” favorite comedian finally blessing us with a Starbucks “chai tea” joke (unironically). Yay!

This is cool. Everyone is doing their jobs. Well, I’d like to get in on the fun. I want to Shatter Some Muslim Stereotypes Onscreen as well. On a computer screen, I guess, or maybe your iPhone if you’re in transit. Hopefully you all learn a thing or two from this…and stop discriminating…

#1: Muslims can’t have fun. They are a serious, severe people.

I can’t even believe this is a stereotype. Years of media conditioning has led everyone to believe that we, as a monolithic entity, are incapable of lightening up. Every damn week I have fun on this little website. And I have fun in my daily life, as well.

I like to play sports and games. I like to do things for pleasure with friends an acquaintances alike. I like to smile, and laugh. Here is me smiling with some friends of mine:

Stereotype 1: SHATTERED!

#2: Muslims do not eat meat that isn’t “halal.”

I actually do. I actually do eat meat that isn’t Zabiha. In fact, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: In-n-Out bangs.

Does this make me a rebel? A truthsayer a la Ramy Youssef? He ripped open the taboo of portraying Muslims engaged in zina (improper sexual intercourse…) on TV; here I stand, before you today, portraying a Muslim eating a burger that was made from a cow who wasn’t slaughtered correctly.

You could clap or pay me a lot of money or write a big article about my transgressiveness, but it’s OK. It’s OK! I don’t do this for any of that clout shit.

Stereotype 2: OBLITERATED!

#3: Muslims do not swear.

Hey, Authority? Take this.

Damn. Crap. Fuck. Bullcrap. Horsecrap. Fucking. Dogcrap. Bitch. Crappy. Cock. Hell. How’s that? (I wouldn’t say any of this in front of my parents though.)

Stereotype 3: DESTROYED!

#4: Muslims are an uncreative people.

Would someone who is not creative think of this?

“Timothee Chollampat”

Hmm?

Stereotype 4: UTTERLY DECIMATED!

#5: Muslims don’t go to Mexico.

They said a Muslim guy can’t go to Mexico City? Or Guadalajara? They legit said that?

I actually did both this year, despite Covid and despite what they say about us. Want proof? Here:

Me in Mexico with a Mexican guy (my friend)

Stereotype 5: ANNIHILATED!

#6: Muslims are ugly and horrible in the sack. They are deceptively repulsive creatures who cannot satisfy you sexually.

This is actually so fucked up. Thank God I’m here to shatter this particularly ugly stereotype. It’s about time. Good lord.

Stereotype 6: FUCKED!

#7: Muslims have no drip. They also cannot take you 1 on 1.

Meet me on the court. Single rim, indoor, no double rim shit. Game to 15, ones and twos. I swear to God, I could take you. Seriously, bro. If you give me, like, 30 minutes to warm up and get some shots up—yeah, definitely. I’ll cook your ass. I’ll straight up drop 35 on your face, I’ll pull up 10 feet behind the three-point line, I’ll even shimmy afterwards.

And as for having no drip? It’s tough stuff, having to dispel the notion that Muslims are swagless, but someone, eventually, had to buy pants that fit. Someone had to do it. And so I did it. I was the first Muslim ever to portray Muslims rocking a goated fit onscreen, and it took all my life and creative energy to get to that point. Representation matters, y’all!

Stereotype 7: WENT NIGHT NIGHT!

#8: Muslims have no chance with Dua Lipa.

Watch this space!

Stereotype 8: IN PROGRESS!

#9: Sunni Muslims sort the hadith, the sayings and teachings of the Prophet (PBUH), based on different strengths in the chain of transmission. They are classified into different tiers—for example, al-Bukhari is commonly believed to be the most important and authentic hadith scholar.

I actually do believe this, and it’s not so much a stereotype as much as it is just, like, a fact. But it’s cool, though. Thought you guys should know.

Stereotype 9: Actually true

#10: Muslims experience male pattern balding.

Please Allah, please please please please please I’ll do anything

Ritam’s Footnote

#11: Muslims won’t put a photo of you in your shared newsletter that makes you look like shit

Many Islamophobic racists I know are saying that there is no way on earth that a Muslim friend would post a photo of you in the newsletter you write with them that makes you look like dog dookie…

Stereotype 11: Bazingo!!!!