Googling Myself

I can explain

Shameless Plug

(ironic, given the content of this post…) We are hosting an IN-PERSON show in Brooklyn on 7/2 with some hella funny comedians! We’re sold out of presale tickets, but you can show up early and buy at the door—more info here.

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You guys seen these? These WIRED Autocomplete interviews? I’ve seen all of them. Just now, thinking about it, I can hear a British celebrity saying the phrase, “Hi, I’m ____, and I’m doing the WIRED Autocomplete Interview” in my head. A lot of times, when there are two or more people, they’ll get cute and each celeb will say the other person’s name, as if they’re the other person, but we, the viewers, know that can’t be true—and yet they josh! They continue to josh with our asses! The celebs, dude. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Whichever WIRED video producer came up with this premise is a genius. In the crowded landscape of press junkets, a late night appearance alone does not cut it anymore. Put your back into it. You’ve got to do the Vanity Fair Lie Detector Test, 73 Questions with Vogue, Variety’s Actors on Actors, Go “Undercover” on Twitter and Reddit with GQ, Inside Dominic West’s Fucking Castle on Architectural Digest, the ELLE Wake Up With Me skincare video, the Harper’s Bazaar Go To Bed With Me skincare video. If you search on YouTube for an actor/actress whose movie is coming out this weekend, there’s just a bizarre circus of hoops we make them jump through to get Gen Z kids to watch their movie Jungle Cruise. Personally? I like the one where Vanity Fair makes them touch weird shit in a box.

The convoluted nature of it all is part of the fun, I guess. We’re all on YouTube, trying to find clips of actors being relatable and funny. The celebs are waving their hands frantically, trying to get us to look at them. And our shortened attention spans have forced the humble Digital Producer’s hands. They now must continuously up the ante, a DeLillo-esque game of chicken that will ultimately end with the celebrities flaying themselves on a cross in Fallon’s studio so they can get in the quick plug for Shang-Chi 4.

Which is why the autocomplete gimmick is so smart! We’re all Googling these dumbass questions about them anyway—why not have them clear the deck in one go, collapse the boundaries between the performer and audience, cheekily wink at that most parasitic of relationships in a subversive way?

Of course, if the searches weren’t so clearly censored, we’d be watching Elizabeth Olsen rip off the sticker to answer “how big elizabeth olsen feet.” But it is also a fun exercise in interrogating your own ego. We’ve all Googled ourselves. Now what if you were famous? If I were a celebrity, what would people wonder about me haha? Naw I’m just playin’. “nabeel chollampat height,” perhaps? “nabeel chollampat hair how is he not balding”—haha naw naw I’m just kiddin’ around.

So in the spirit of the WIRED Autocomplete interview, I just Googled myself, probably for like the 100th time. And it’s not that weird! Most of the stuff on here I can explain.

This? My cousins once made me an Instagram account, six years ago, and I have no idea what the password is or what is on it.

Oh, yeah, I do live in Brooklyn, NY. And I was born in February 1996.

Even the Google Image search is fi—

OK. This one is actually fucked. I know exactly why this is on Google Images, but the fact that it still is blows my mind. The explanation: back when I played high school basketball and Facebook groups were all the rage, our team had a wiiiiiild night once…making memes…about each other. Of all the ones to stick to the wall, though, I can’t believe this is it.

How did we end up here again? Like WIRED YouTube stuff? God, we should end this newsletter. Anyone know how to take this down? CC @Google?

Ritam’s Footnote

Just another entry into the canon of “Nabeel loves advertising.” The Vogue 73 questions videos suck so much. Anyone seen the Binging with Babish Architectural Digest vid? What’s up with that?

I googled myself too, out of curiosity:

Oh god. Truly nothing worse than the kid who made a Prezi for class projects. My ears are burning!