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There is no 'perfect length'...
Here are some things that I unequivocally enjoy: the movie Heat; the novels of Richard Price; The Barefoot Contessa; Dua Lipa; Persian food; watching Emma Stone in some kind of rom-com situation; tacos; Utz potato chips; “Scandi-noir”; Shaq laughing; the specific language of r/fragrance; Matt Damon; these pants. This is not an exhaustive list, by any means.
Here are some things that suck so bad, so bleakly antithetical to the moral core of my being, that I catalogue their every movement, and have inevitably come around to maintaining a curious, steadfast affection: my boy Ari Elkins; my girls over at The VIP List; my Mann Dhar; this Facebook group called Circumcised Men; FaZe Blaze; Ziad The Activist. Call this The Ironic Follow, if you must.
And then here are some things that are genuinely inoffensive, usually the products of harmless, probably perfectly nice people, that I cannot stand, and that I would, in all likelihood, tell you that I hate:
Legend (Wikipedia) has it that our two intrepid cofounders, the Boys Chris and Aaron, established through a market survey that the ideal length for a button-down shirt is halfway between the belt and the bottom of the zipper. Fascinating…hey—Chris and Aaron? For me? The ideal length of a button-down shirt is a damn LARGE—the size I bought in the first place!!!
It’s probably obvious why this rankles me so much, why I am so fascinated by the perversity of its invention. But maybe it’s not…I’m not so easy to read…Here’s the thing: no one asked for this. Obviously someone did, or else they wouldn’t have raised money and become a sustainable business, but—no one really asked for this. It feels like one of those, “If you build it, they will come” situations. Instead of the product meeting the user at his need, the product, here, met the user at his crotch, and said, “Let’s chop two inches off this thing and mark up the price.”
Would you buy an Untuckit? Would you buy a single-purpose, swagless garment—especially if the express purpose of its existence makes it impossible to use in, say, a situation where one would need to tuck a shirt in? No! I don’t believe you!
Look. By all accounts, he seems like a nice, well-liked man. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He has famous friends, which means either famous people like him or famous people forget he’s in the room.
But talk about a swagless garment! This is possibly the most boring man who has ever achieved such a level of notoriety. Sean Evans is, to me, the ur-text for the creator economy culture from whose vise grip we now find ourselves unable to escape. Not that he is an influencer or “content creator” in the way that you’re thinking of, but rather that he represents the sort of person that rockets to cultural relevance today, through inoffensiveness and relatability rather than talent or charisma. I hate it. I also hate his voice. That shit is so clipped and hard to listen to.
Yoooo 😂😂😂 did you guys catch the new Ryan Reynolds movie? He is so funny in it! 😂😂😂 He made references and credulously performed a rehearsed bit 😂😂😂 He also called another character a douchenozzle and used “The Fonz” as a punchline in a $150 million studio comedy 😂😂😂😂 I think he might lowkey have been a stand-up comedian in another life… 😂 What if he and John Cena were in a movie together? 😂😂 Yoooo and The Rock? 😂 Think of the barbed one-liners they could hurl at each other 😂😂😂 His acid-tongued wit would be no match for John Cena’s deadpan machismo 😂 and then The Rock would round it all out with his general effective charm 😂 Ryan Reynolds is so good at memes and social media too! 😂 He makes fun of his wife Blake Lively sometimes with Twitter and online jokes 😂😂😂 And it’s funny because she is a total Babe 😂 and have you seen Deadpool? Or Free Guy? Both of these movies are laced with pop culture references and meta humor 😂😂 all sold by Ryan Reynolds’ huffing and puffing and fast speech! 😂
Naming your book something like You Exist Too Much or I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness or My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She’s Sorry
These are real books, folks.
My grandmother asked me to tell you you exist too much…
Here are my grievances:
Talking like this
I talk like this now, everyone in young white gentrified creative-adjacent Brooklyn talks like this. It’s pathetic and it sucks, I hate it and it’s not funny!
I know we all have to do it, really, I do. But spending time talking about Covid, anything about it, makes me feel I’m being dragged across a bed of nails. Even still, I bring it up all the time, and I read about it, so I’m just as culpable.
Utz potato chips
Too thin! Kettle chips or bust…