First Lines

Something we could all learn from

Yo I just realized something. I never told you guys everything I know about writing.

It would be kind of like if Jacques Pepin, or Martin Yan—or even Lidia Bastianich—hoarded their collective knowledge of cooking instead of widely disseminating it to the masses through public-access television. That’s what it would be like if I held all this knowledge for myself. For real.

Something that everyone should know is that the first line is lowkey the most important one.

Think about the one I just started with:

“Yo I just realized something.” - Nabeel Chollampat, 2026

In reading that, you probably sat up straight: wait, what did he realize? And is he about to tell me? That’s honestly the power of a fire ass first line. It makes you ask questions and potentially answer them for yourself. That’s the kind of stuff you can’t teach.

Gordon Lish once called it “the consecution and the swerve”—that’s when I keep doing one thing and then one day decide to do a different thing.

Check this out:

You guys barely even noticed 😂

Another thing that’s important to learn is that most readers—including you guys—are so fucking stupid. You guys couldn’t even catch on to the fact that I was legit doing the same thing every first line; no one even pointed it out to me via email, Substack DM, or at a crowded bar when I saw them last. It honestly made me laugh, because it was so easy to pull one over on you guys. It made me laugh.

Now, on a day like today, when I switch “thought of” to “realized,” everyone will go crazy.

It’s the easiest trick in the book. And it’s something I recommend you all take home and study.

You can also do stuff where you make the first line hella long and full of #Random stuff.

A cool thing people do now is have a first line of a short story that kind of throws the kitchen sink at you. Some shit like: “It was only mid-blowjob that I realized I left my stepmom’s bong at the abortion clinic.”

“It was only mid-blowjob that I realized I left my stepmom’s bong at the abortion clinic.” - Nabeel Chollampat, 2026

It’s like, the first thing you snag on is, wait, what? This mf is realizing something mid-blowjob?? 😂 He’s thinking about something else halfway down the shaft??? 😂 Who IS this guy?

And then after that you’re like—bro. His STEPMOM’S BONG??????? LMFAO. 😂😂😂 At this point, you’re all in. It’s like: WHO is the type of guy who, halfway through sucking someone off, start’s thinking about their stepmom😂😂—and a stepmom who, at the very least, SMOKES GREEN??!

And I don’t even need to get into that last part. Because at this point, my first line has already done its job. The fact that this mf’s stepmom’s bong—which, honestly, is so fucking insane and random in the first place—is sitting at the abortion clinic??? of all places, is enough to get you to keep reading.

And I just came up with that on the spot.

Most first lines should have an implied, “You’re probably wondering how I get here” framing device. That is lowkey the only thing that makes sense, storytelling-wise.

Because once you start with the most #Random shit you can think of, then you kind of work backwards to figure out how the guy ended up leaving his stepmom’s bong (it’s still making me laugh 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂—like, what????) at the abortion clinic and only realizing it while he’s tonsils deep.

“That’s really the secret to all writing and storytelling—starting at the end and then making someone go, ‘Wait, how did they get there?’” - Nabeel Chollampat, 2026

My Top 10 Movies of 2025

1. Eddington

2. The Secret Agent

3. Marty Supreme

4. One Battle After Another

5. The Mastermind

6. Friendship

7. 28 Years Later

8. The Naked Gun

9. Relay

10. Weapons

Another classic writing move—sneak something in that might have been a better idea as a stand-alone post, and it probably would’ve gotten you more engagement on this fuckass platform, but you got bored of it.

I have a bone to pick with the people who run this leaky ship we call “Substack.”

My headline was literally designed in a lab to mega-platinum on “Notes.” You’re telling me people gave Ritam more likes? Simply because he “promoted it?” And made sure to keep “putting it in front of people”? And because he uses the “Notes” feature “like you’re supposed to?”

I honestly don’t know what else I can do here. I need to start doing weird sex diaries with a “TW” subtitle.

I hate writing. I hate this stupid App. Fk you all!!

I’ve decided to #Gatekeep the rest of my knowledge. Have fun writing your shitty Substacks with awful first lines……

Ritam’s Footnote

Nah I ain’t reading all that 😂 thought this was supposed to be a LOW LIFT ASK