Feelings, Ranked
Running out of ideas
Let’s get relatable af, team. I’m trying to open up and be more vulnerable these days. Forget about my summer body—I’m working on my Summer Mind. And my Summer Heart. This is the Season of Serenity. Let’s get it trending, y’all!
#Emotional Vulnerability #SereneSpring #SexCrimeSummer #WithArmsWideOpen #InTooDeep #Genesis
[In the voice Samberg uses when he says, “If you didn’t know by now, I’m naming baseball teams”] If you didn’t know by now, we’re ranking the ten feelings.
5. Tfw you’re eating something sweet and drinking something sweet and then one cancels out the other so it’s like not sweet anymore
Lowkey one of the worst feelings. Fuck tastebuds, bro—and while we’re at it, FUCK the glossopharyngeal nerve, too!
4. Being snatched
They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. And brother? I have to agree. In the past few years, I have decided to power down my emotional repository and attendant social network, all in favor of hollowing out my nude form. I have become snatched. And for a while, being snatched was amazing. Being snatched made me the man I am today. I am constantly propositioned by sexpots and ditzy harlequins. But a curious thing happened—it all crumbled into dust, hot air, empty calories.
What about the pure joy of being alive, irrespective of the corporeal form? Is life only measured by aesthetics, external beauty? Is there nothing celebratory and joyous? Or is query naive?
3. Lust
Vile stuff. Y’all should never be feeling lust. Lust lowkey makes me feel dysregulated.
2. TFW Olo is acquiring Spendgo
I’ll be honest: one of my oldest friends posted this. It was around the time that Olo acquired Spendgo, I think? But he was right—it was huge news. Olo acquired Spendgo. Let that sink in.
1. Serving C*nt!
I’m of two minds here. Objectively, this would be funnier, and maybe make this entire enterprise marginally worth your time in some minuscule way, if I had typed out the word. You would have been offended—but be honest. You would have respected me a tiny bit more, I think.
On the other hand, I need a new job soon. Maybe it’s time we take this whole thing private, gang! Delete the archives!