Welcome to my domain, the world of the rationally-minded logical child. Here, logic and facts rule the day, and romance / kissing is illegal.
I have divided all of society into five jobs, which I will assign to each baby upon birth with a stamp upon their butt. The jobs are as follows:
Wheedler
There are elements missing from our lives that we must ask from the powers that be. The job of the wheedler is to come up with the most incessantly irritating, logical, rationally-minded pitch, and beat my parents over the head with it until they capitulate. The wheedler’s goals are to acquire the following:
Spy Gear Eye Link Communicators
That’s it
Rock Collector
This is a job for the detail-oriented and geologically-minded in society. The purpose? To pick up a rock in a parking lot and study it intently for “quartz.” If it has flecks of white, put it with all the other rocks. Show it to my parents’ friends at parties. Repeat. Make sure to show them this card to ensure they understand the gravity of your find.
Narnia Scholar
Ahhh… the tales of Susan, Peter, Lucy, Edmund, Mr. Tumnus, Eustace, Jill, Puddleglum the Marsh-Wiggle, Reepicheep, Trumpkin, Nikabrik, Uncle Diggory, Shift, Puzzle, Aravis, Professor Cornelius, and Trufflehunter. Need I say more? In this job, you’ll be studying the core texts by C.S. Lewis. No need to analyze them for theme or allegory—all you really need to do is memorize as many characters as possible and create power rankings every day based on your vibe.
Dinosaur Fact Knower
Actually, Pterosaurs aren’t dinosaurs.
Actually, ichthyosaurs aren’t dinosaurs.
Actually, edaphosaurs aren’t dinosaurs.
Rinse and repeat. Cleanse dinosaur knowledge of its joy by focusing specifically on the delineations of what is and is not a dinosaur.
Censor
It is your job to determine what is and isn’t fit for childhood consumption, and instantly report anything deemed “inappropriate” to the authorities. This is an important job, as it’s what will prevent you from being a well-rounded, mature adult with an understanding of complex emotional dynamics or human sexuality—and that’s the real goal of this whole project.
Nabeel’s Footnote
One of those Ritam Weeks where you just sit back and watch a brother cook. Deep in his bag.
No one will know why this comment has so many likes
Ritam, what a wonderfully inventive piece you've crafted here! It's a delightful mix of whimsy and satire, painting a vivid picture of a world where childhood logic reigns supreme. The concept of assigning jobs with a stamp upon birth is both hilariously practical and delightfully absurd, capturing the essence of a child's unfiltered view of society's structures.
Your take on these unique job roles—from the persistent Wheedler with their singular mission to the meticulous Rock Collector and beyond—offers a charming glimpse into a universe where every niche interest finds its place and purpose. It's particularly amusing how you've elevated the Narnia Scholar and Dinosaur Fact Knower to positions of high esteem, reflecting the profound seriousness with which children approach their passions.
This piece brilliantly illustrates the imaginative depths children delve into, untouched by the complexities of adult life. Your playful approach to discussing these roles not only entertains but also reminds us of the pure joy found in childhood obsessions. Keep sharing these creative explorations, Ritam; they're a breath of fresh air in an adult-dominated world. Can't wait to see what delightful or precocious topic you tackle next!