Da Ethics Guy

The newsletter's Da Ethics Guy columnist on an academic betrayal — and more.

Hey, check out this video Nabeel directed starring our friend Victoria!

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Dear Da Ethics Guy,

I am a dedicated and hard-working university student. During a recent exam, I noticed that the student next to me, a lanky and freckled fellow named Oddwin, was letting his gaze wander over to my paper too frequently for comfort. After the exam, I told my professor that I’d seen Oddwin with his wife at the airport Shake Shack. Both Oddwin and the professor’s wife were made to stand trial before the academic disciplinary committee, and both were executed without cause. Did I do the right thing?

-Stu Dyhall

Dear Stu,

Ayyyy! I’m da ethics guy! I don’t know about none of that stuff, I just know I’m da ethics guy… now if you want to ask me about ethics, dat’s what I’m here for.

me!

If you ask me, I think you did da right thing… idk though, I’m just da ethics guy!! Ayyy!!!

Yours Truly,

Da Ethics Guy

PS. I hope this letter finds you well.

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Dear Da Ethics Guy,

I’m caught in an ethical quandary to which I fear there is no clear answer… my son was at his best friend’s house. He slipped and fell on a tile, and suffered a head injury. Now, he keeps asking for Gushers—when he never wanted them before! I’ve decided to sue my son’s friend’s family, and it’s making my son’s life at school extremely tense. What gives?

- Litigious In St Louis

Dear Litigious,

Will you be in the courtroom? Can you say order in the court? I been to a courtroom once… it was cause I got pulled over for driving too well. They told me sir your talent is so incredible behind the wheel. We could use a man like you on the force. And I says to them I says No Thank You, I don’t want to be no cop, you know, and they says it’s fun so I say okay. Turns out it’s not very fun when you accidentally get assigned to the white collar crime investigation squad and have to spend every day making weird queries into your one Bloomberg Terminal to try to glean patterns of buying and selling to inform your investigation. I hated that job!

This is me, in case you didn’t know. Sometimes you gotta smile through it all, you know? And that’s my advice to you. From one da ethics guy to another… arrividerci and good luck.

Best,

Da Ethics Guy

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Dear Da Ethics Guy,

Who are you? I’ve always wondered when reading these columns. Who has a combination of wit, gravitas, panache, and a lil sumpin sumpin for the mature ladies in the house? Reveal yourself!

- Hornee Andproud

My name is Horace Magoofian. I am 84 years old, and here is my picture:

I am a tender and discreet lover with a lil sumpin sumpin extra for those who want it. I am from Papua New Guinea, but my heritage is Italian-American. I have a large and boisterous family, but they live elsewhere. I am alone.

So that’s me… da ethics guy. That’s who I am. And now I must turn the ever-probing lens of scrutiny around and ask you: who are you?

Best,

Da Ethics Guy

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Nabeel’s Footnote

We saw a production of Hamlet last weekend. There’s truly such a range within the English language…