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Da Common App 🥴
please daddy let me in 🥺
Prompt: Tell us about a Life event that changed your perspective or philosophy.
A Life Lived *soft chuckle*: An Admissions Essay: Or: Humble Pie (Play On American Pie): An Essay Of Massive Import
“Hello,” said my mother to me. I had just been born, and we were in the stark white fluorescent linoleum-floored hospital maternity ward. The nurse handed me to my mother. I looked back at the nurse, and spoke my first words.
“I bet you don’t get paid enough,” I said, with a kindly and non-condescending smile. “Are you an immigrant?”
The nurse looked down bashfully and coyly replied “Yes,” but I could tell she was yearning to let her native tongue (Spanish) dance upon her rose petal lips.
“I have now found my life’s purpose,” I said to the nurse. “I am going to fight for diversity.” I pulled my wallet out of my naked buttcrack (after all, I had just been born) and threw her a couple million dollars.
“That should last you a few weeks,” I said, summarily dismissing her from my presence.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I think back on her now, and I think of how diverse she was. And I can’t help but let the ghost of a smile flicker across my face. Because of the memory of her. And now I realize that being born was one of the most important experiences of my entire life, because it made me understand new and diverse perspectives.
Another time I understood new and diverse perspectives was when Mommy and I went to France. It was then I understood how the people live outside of America. Yucky! It was gross!
In Conclusion, being understanding of new and diverse perspectives is very important to me. Can I have money now?
Prompt: Oftentimes, great individuals acted outside of societal norms. What is something you do that your peers don’t?
Yo: Who Did This: An Essay: 😂😂😂
Emojis. 😃. They Are Every where. And yet, somehow, they are also nowhere at all. We in modern Socity choose to plaster an emoji on our face. Feeling sad? There is a 😿 emoji for if you are a cat. If you are feeling angry, there is a 🎸emoji to express your angst. But what about all the Emotions in between? Sometimes I feel like I am not quite ☺️ or 😌. And it is this flattening of our humanity by Big Tech that I find most egg regis.
If I were a Big Tech CEO, like Mark or Sundar, I would choose to use ethics instead of business. And that sets me apart from all my friends, who choose business over ethics every time. But it’s only because I already have *Dr. Evil voice* One Billion Dollars! Sorry just a little humor for you in the admissions office. It must get boring over there. Have you seen Austin Powers?
In conclusion, I would *austin powers voice* behave *end austin powers voice* better than my peers, because I do ethics. Can I have money now?
Prompt: If money was no object, which career path would you choose?
I Would Be President: Wait; Just Hear Me Out; I Promise I Wouldn’t Be Bad At It: An Essay
Okay. Okay. I know this sounds crazy, but bear with me. If given the choice to have any job, I, Jacob Finkheimer from Basking Ridge, NJ, would choose to be President of the United States. Why? Well, the answer is simple. I want to help people, and I have not interrogated that idea any further, nor do I have any interest in doing so.
Helping people makes me feel good about the fact that I am the arbiter of their fate, that I have complete control over whether or not they succeed or fail. Of course, I want them to succeed, but I want me to be why. And I believe that anyone with the same raw addiction to power, uh, sorry, I mean, same love of helping people, can and should be President of the United States.
My first action as President would be to outlaw any other Str**ght Wh*te M*n from being president, right after I abolish term limits. And I would be way better than Donald Drumpf, the Covfefe Cheeto himself. My debate club and I sometimes watch clips of him and laugh so hard. We are so smart and we’re so good at talking. Plus, we are pretty funny too! I came in second behind Evan Goldman, but he’s a freaking Lincoln-Douglas machine! I could probably do a debate with him on why Trump is bad, but I’d have to do some research on JSTOR first.
My dad is always saying that Trump is really dumb, but he said he would vote for him in November, but that’s only because some of those EPA people are really corrupt and it stops his factory from creating jobs. Politics is about compromises like that, so I would probably get rid of the EPA to help people like my dad. But I would also make a new agency to give money to businesses that need help like him, and I would definitely put the most diverse BIPOC patsy I could find in charge. Uh - sorry. Did I say patsy? Anyway, if I were president, I would be good, and everyone else would be bad, because I am me and every decision I make makes sense to me. What’s the word count on this thing anyway? Can I have money now?
God, reading this was torture. I wonder if ‘College Admissions Officer’ for an Ivy League school is the worst possible job to have: willingly, day after day, putting yourself through the ringer of some company called, like, “Flex College Prep’s” ideas of “good” and “smart” and “impressive.” Also, there’s an episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with President Obama, and Seinfeld tells him something along the lines of, “For the rest of your life, no one will ever be their genuine self around you. How does that feel?” Imagine that.
We’re hosting our first comedy show through the Brooklyn Comedy Collective! Due to the Global Pandemic, it will be livestreamed on the TVCO app. All proceeds and tips are going to Critical Resistance. Download the app and check out our stream for FREE next Friday!