This post is a spiritual follow-up to this older one.
Idiot Vibes
Are we noticing this? At some point during the past three years, a switch flipped in my head, and now I talk like a fucking dullard, constantly. I call everyone “king” and “queen.” I say the word “vibes” once per sentence. I hyperbolize everything to a fault so that everything either elicits a “damn. that rules” or a “damn. that sucks ass…
I have a deep, ancient hatred of the way I speak. I wish to rid myself of all tics, all filler, all affect. Each word out of my mouth should be a pure, pointed crystal of understanding and insight. It is time. I will burst forth from my “dumb chrysalis” and be a full-fledged, beautiful intellectual, able to parry and riposte in conversations with verbal clarity vacuum-sealed to the wrinkles of my brain. This is the future I was meant to have. Just need to systematically identify and neutralize all verbal tics first.
Tic #1: “I’m Like”
Hate this one with a passion.
Peer: And that’s why I feel like I should quit my job and find a new one.
Me: I’m like, is that the best idea right now?
Bruh. Pathetic. Craven. Can’t own my opinion, so I use “I’m like” to establish distance from something potentially controversial, breaking the contract of communication. Saying “I’m like” changes the entire space of the convo—no longer am I a human representing myself, I’m a neutral observer, commenting on my own thoughts as if seeing them from afar, presenting them without embodying them. There’s a strange self-centeredness to it—instead of thinking and responding on the level of the conversation I’m in, I turn my response into an externalization of my internal process of self-observation and critique. My response isn’t even about the person I’m talking to anymore. It’s about me. And on top of all this unnecessary analysis—it makes me sound very annoying. And I don’t like it, and I’d like to just be able to say the thing I mean without a bunch of extra shit in there.
Just want to add: if you do this, I don’t dislike it when you do it. Just when I do it. Make of that what you will.
Tic #2: “Lowkey”
Quick tangent: Anyone else annoyed that Norse mythology got kinda mainstream with those dumbass Marvel movies that I watched in their entirety? Used to be so awesome to know about Freya, Odin, Thor, Loki, when I was a child and interested in that kind of thing. Loved Fenrir, loved the damn Yggdrasil itself. Love those crazy-ass stories about a genius wise man named Kvasir born from a vat full of god-spittle. Now making a reference to Norse myth is overshadowed by those horrible, stupid Marvel movies, all of which I watched, mostly in theaters. Bet Kvasir didn’t watch the movies. Bet Kvasir doesn’t use “lowkey” in every fucking sentence.
Most things are not “lowkey.” Most things just are. And yet, I preface so many opinions with this, again out of cowardice.
Peer: I went to Walter on DeKalb the other day.
Me: Oh yeah. What did you think? It’s lowkey kind of disappointing.
Why say lowkey? Distance. Need to have the distance, in case someone disagrees, and I can easily back out of my position and re-enter the simpering agreement / validation space. Pathetic. Wish I was Kvasir.
Tic #3: “Quite frankly”
This one’s just sad. Do I think this makes me sound smart? I think it’s mostly just a desparate ploy for time. I’m stalling to form a thought. Could just be secure and wait to have the thought before beginning talking. But that would create silence, which would be bad for some reason.
Tic #4: “I will say this: ”
More stalling. Prognosticating my own actions, all of which I’m fully in control of. Yes, I am going to say this. Just say it, bitch!!!
Tic #5: “Mayhaps”
Sexual partner (tired, bored): Did you finish yet?
Me: Mayhaps 😉
Tic #6: “Forsooth”
Peer: Why you applying so much aloe vera to your irritated skin bro???
Yep. So that’s basically my main problem in life. Not such a bad life, huh? You guys jealous?
Nabeel’s Footnote
Somewhere I could’ve seen you taking this: making the final few “tics” racial slurs. Just my two cents.