There’s been a trend of all the weirdos and freaks and little freaky weird creatures of the night coming out of the woodwork recently to ask if anyone is normal.
These little weirdo freakazoids are actually so removed from normalcy. They are total mavericks and don’t play by the rules of society, for which I commend them.
Take this one. A twisted little freakazoid weirdo like @starlittbritt is actually probably outside of the realm of homo freaking sapiens!!! 😂😂😂
Anyway, I’ve come up with some behavior that I do think is pretty normal, but I just want to check with everyone:
Every time I see a dog I put some gravel in my voice (so I sound like Oscar the Grouch) and yell “SQUEE! PUPPY!” super loud so everyone near me in the park will turn around and look at my group of friends. But I’m blissfully unaware that anyone is looking at me, which just makes the whole thing worse. That’s normal. And maybe the friend group is like… playing some complicated tabletop RPG on the picnic blanket, so that we’re established as the most normal people in the park. And two of the friends are scared to sit on the grass so they stand the whole time.
Now that’s normal.
Here’s some freaky deaky behavior that normal people don’t do:
Like a band or John Mulaney
Enjoy sleep and food
Struggle with identity and purpose
So if you do any of those three things… get some freakin help! Because you are actually a weirdo gremlin thing. And you should be normal like me.
Fully changing tack here: you ever think about what it would be like if your parents listened to podcasts? That would be weird. I thought about that recently. I don’t mean like… the Axios news roundup or the Daily or whatever. Conversational podcasts. Like if your mom listened to Las Culturistas. Weird. I don’t like the thought of that one. Just like some parent somewhere thinking about how to explain that they listen to Bananas for Bonanza because they liked the relevant episode of The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project. Some dad somewhere being like, “I’m frustrated that they deprecated the Howl app.” Just a weird thought. Wanted to get that one out there. A grandpa listening to the Alison Brie episode of Marc Maron and just like nodding sagely along as she talks about growing up in a weird church. You guys know Alison Brie grew up in a Catholic-Hindu hybrid church? What does that even mean? They eat the little cracker but it’s a roti? They do the communion but it’s actually an upanayanam? A grandma commenting on the AV Club Podmass column that week with an insider scoop on the collapse and cancellation of Feral Audio. Yeesh.
Here are my submissions for that prompt:
do you wipe yourself with a towel coming out of the shower or are you normal? 😂
could you tag the first person who comes up when you type the letter ‘A’ and could you guys finish this 6-pack of beer and 4 slices of pizza together in 3 hours for 1 million dollars? or are you normal 😂
do you like the type of p*rn where it is a guy and a girl or are you normal 😂
did you forget to take the meat out of the freezer after your mom told you to and then freak out when you heard her car coming up the driveway or were you normal? 😂😂😂 and then she would yell at you and say, “Nabeel, what the fuck. Now we shall eat the frozen meat,” and then she would dice the frozen goat into little frozen goat cubes, or were you normal? 😂 and then you and your sister would be forced to swallow the frozen goat cube whole (no chewing), and whoever swallowed it first would be allowed to pick the meat for the next day, be it chicken, beef, fish, or lamb? 😂 and then you would repeat the same process day after day? and to this day you have never eaten a cooked piece of meat? 😂😂😂 did you? or were you normal?
Do you use google maps bimonthly to assess how the geography of your upbringing compares to fellow friends or are you normal?